General chatter while we wait (and commentary on the "pull out method")

[DobbyForever]

Shae not gonna lie I understand not the ways of the cervix. That’s an interesting way to approach it. I understand people can’t really travel, but I’d think people still want the mental break from school. Or they have situations like me where they can travel by car to a safe location. That’s great about SO! Some people break the cycle, others perpetuate it, and guys (like physicist) would just rather avoid marriage and kids cuz you can’t eff up what you never have. Sorry about the night sweats!

O.M.G. So The Boy finally texted. It’s been like a damn week and a half. And it’s time stamped as 2:30am lol. He’s like I’ve been torn on what to say or if I should say anything at all. You’re amazing and I’m sad that you can and would want to essentially delete me from your life. And I should just leave things be but I can’t stop thinking about you. These men! Killing me.

In other news. I got my class survey data. No names just the numbers (my idea cuz my boss asked) but only 1/25 kids said go hybrid so do a little dance lol. I’m sure this means my butt gets to stay distance

 

[shaescott]

Dobs yeah I definitely missed the mental break. They had some spring break activities throughout the week, a fancy cruise themed dinner with lobster, a campfire with s’mores, and a few others... I only went to the dinner lol. But I would’ve rather spent the week sleeping tbh.

SO definitely has some things where he’s worried he’ll mess up his kid, just not from family upbringing issues. But it’s not so worrisome that he doesn’t want to do it. He really wants a family, he’s very much a “traditional family values” guy who prioritizes family over everything. In fact, last night he said that if he had a decent paying job right now, I would probably be able to convince him to TTC (like, now). He’s ready for a family mentally, just not financially.

Re: the boy, geez considering the time stamp I’m wondering if he wrote it either in an emotional whirlwind or an alcohol induced emotional whirlwind. What are your thoughts?

Sounds great that you get to stay online. I feel for the kids though, my sister is really struggling with online schooling. She’s so used to most of her work being class work and now everything is homework, and she’s never been good at getting homework done motivation-wise (and same), so she’s actually failing a lot of her classes. But her school offers hybrid, she just stayed all online due to her surgery recovery and her medical issues making her higher risk with COVID. We’ve been working with her to try to figure out how she can get stuff done, what will motivate her, etc. At the same time, it’s so nice to be able to wake up and be in class a minute later. I go to zoom classes in my pajamas on a regular basis. My t-shirt isn’t specifically a pajama shirt and they can’t see the fuzzy pants lol. If I throw on a hoodie I can go bra-less. It’s great.

Re: the cervix, it can vary throughout the day which makes it harder to analyze anyway. I know the basics but with the variability it’s hard to track. But Lordy it seems like the Sahara desert down there today. Though (ew warning) I woke up all sweaty down there this morning and I wonder if the day’s CM just came out with it considering how gross I felt

 

[shaescott]

Speaking of the cervix being variable, mine was low af this morning and now it’s high. Like bruh, pick one.

 

[DobbyForever]

Ooo the plot thickens. That’s really good news that SO is letting that TTC ruminate in his mind. But yes don’t cave! It’ll be so much better if you wait. But also babies are babies. Who doesn’t love babies lol.

sorry your cervix is sending all sorts of weird signals

Online can definitely be hard. I got really lucky with my group. I know they’re struggling socially, but academically they are really impressing me. Sorry your sister is having a rough go

that’s nice they at least planned some rec activities but exactly! People need to sleep in and mentally reset, now more than ever.

Re The Boy: if it’s after 11:30, it’s for the dirty my guess is that he either hasn’t gotten laid since me OR he has and (this is so conceited) she just wasn’t on my level. I told him that I’m not here to text people who don’t want to be texted, and he’s like I’m sorry if my lack of responsiveness came off that way. Your texts were always wanted. Idk how much I buy it but I’m hooked on him so LOL. Dude has a girl twisted

 

[shaescott]

I’m seeing a ton of people getting their BFPs for the due date I would have if I conceived this cycle and it makes me very sad cuz I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna be getting a BFP. Happy for them, but sad it’s not me. I don’t usually get sad over individual people getting a BFP, I think it’s just cuz a few were like “EDD 11/24/21” with their test pic and I was like I want to be able to say that, that’s my (potential) date

 

[shaescott]

I fell asleep at like 7:30 and woke up at like midnight, so I just tested aaand BFN

My cervix is still higher like it was yesterday afternoon but of course I don’t trust it lol. CM has increased a bit from the bone dry yesterday.

 

[shaescott]

My temp spiked to 0.5 degrees higher than my previous highest ever luteal phase temp... I’ve maxed out at 98.5 previously, past two cycles the max was 98.1, and this morning I was 99.03. My cervix has also been high since yesterday afternoon. I’m still BFN as of like 30 minutes ago (11dpo) so this may just be my body giving me false hope and being an asshole lol. I’m getting my hopes up and I need to not
Before I was like “I’m definitely not pregnant” and now I’m like “oh shit maybe I’m pregnant” and I just know this is gonna end in tears.

 

[DobbyForever]

Shae, I care about you. We’ve been in this thread for years now. And you remind me of me in college, my biological clock was ticking HARD. Everything you are doing is going to end up in repeated tears. You’re actively PREVENTING pregnancy. I know accidents happen, but that’s usually when things are mishandled or directions aren’t followed. And it sounds like you two are being very careful. It’s one thing to test, but why set yourself up for extreme heartbreak by joining testing groups with women who are actively TRYING. Of course statistically there are going to be multiple bfps, so why rub salt in your wounds? You are working yourself up into a frenzy with your temps, your cervix, and your testing. I’m going to real talk you. You are not going to get pregnant unless you want to/subconsciously or consciously do something to jeopardize the effectiveness of your diaphragm or have unprotected sex in your fertile period/you and SO change your minds.

You are so close to graduation and starting that next chapter. Your TTC journey is almost here. If you weren’t crying, I’d say test away. Have fun. Use cheapies. Poas is addicting and freakishly satisfying. But it’s upsetting you. It’s like drinking. Drinking is all fun and games when I’m control, but when it gets to a point where I’m in tears over it then it’s time to pull back and reset. Stop drinking until I can manage 1-2 drinks.

hope that made sense. I’m tired. And I’m sorry if it reads as rude or if I’m overstepping. I’m just worried. Now, you may not be overwhelmingly sad. You could be leading a perfectly amazing life outside of the hour that you’re testing and checking. I just want you to be happy.


Re The Boy. He texted all day yesterday like a littler shark circling lol. Then he got to the point and I’m always right. He misses the v.

 

[shaescott]

Dobs oh I’m not actually crying, I’m exaggerating a bit. I have moments of sadness but then I get back to normal me. I expected the multiple BFPs in those groups and 99% of the time they actually make me super happy! It was just when it was the exact date I was hoping for that I got a bit sad and jealous. But I totally understand where you’re coming from. You’re right, I’m setting myself up for sadness and I’m definitely obsessive to an unhealthy level. But 95% of the time overall I’m not sad at all, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually cried over it, I don’t think I have. I texted my best friend when I was feeling sad and she was nice and was like “it’s okay, you’re hormonal, you have big feelings, etc” and I felt better. I’ve been using cheapies since I got home and I’m about to order another box so that I don’t end up buying any more FRERs lol. Anyway, I totally appreciate that you’re worried about me, it means a lot that you care

Lol re: the boy. Figures. Are you interested in doing it again with him or are you done with him in that way?

 

[shaescott]

Pffft my mom just told me I am not pregnant I was like “my temp spiked, what if I just implanted” and she was like “nah, you’re not pregnant” and I was like “dang”

 

[DobbyForever]

Kk hugs. Cuz yeah not gonna lie, it reads like you're massively depressed over there. So as long as that's not the case, you do you. It's hard to get the full picture over the internet, so as long as you're good then it's all good.

ETA: Lol your mom is savage. Love it.

As for The Boy. Physically, I can whole-heartedly and enthusiastically say I am nowhere near close to done with him. I love everything about the way we interact, and BD with the Physicist left so much to be desired. Physicist literally did NOTHING for me. And his kissing style is way too aggressive. It was like DTD with all of my exes. Me being bored and waiting for it to just be over. I actually cried after for like 30 minutes because I was so upset for repeating mistakes. Honestly, just made me miss The Boy's kisses. Emotionally, I should say I'm done. Like I know he is just in it to pass the time. I think he also has commitment issues (his parents split when he was 4, mom remarried, dad is on marriage number 4). But if he asked me to be his gf and like went back to when he was actually trying to see me and talk to me and that level of communication, I would in a heartbeat. The only hesitation is that I don't think he's in a headspace for kids yet. And the last girl he dated, they dated from like 30-35 then he broke up with her. I don't know the full story, but I'd be crushed if that happened to me.

 

[DobbyForever]

No emotional clarity cuz I’m not asking questions that I don’t want the answers to lol

physically I took a pill today even though I was due for sugars. Just didn’t want to risk anything. But damn. I actually had a small scale O two times. We dtd. I still love his kisses. Then he sat around and talked and cuddled for an hour. Then he was leaving and we fooled around a bit here and there. And this a* pushes me into a wall and whispers in my ear some crap about how he always wants me and he doesn’t want me to ever think for a second that he doesn’t. And I’m like well damn f*. But ugh I love it. I love everything. I love how he makes me feel. I’m screwed ladies. I’m breaking the literal only rule of fwb. You can’t have feels!

 

[shaescott]

Girlllll you’re playing with fireeeeee
I think you’re gonna have to ask those questions because you may very well be setting yourself up for heartbreak here and I don’t want that for you

 

[DobbyForever]

I know hahaha. Oh man. I'm so in over my head. My mom says I need to chill out. That it's crazy how I'm always trying to rush a label and not just casually date and let things happen naturally. So she thinks I'm overreacting. My little brother has moved from a similar standpoint to don't glorify this guy to f* this guy he didn't text you for two weeks don't tolerate that. His twin, the diplomat, is like well if you like him and he apologized for his behavior then give him a second chance. But if he does it again, drop him quick. Idk. He invited me over to his place for the first time, but naturally I can't find a freaking babysitter. One friend is pissy I'm getting laid and she isn't so she won't. The other has to take her kiddos to their sports stuff. I texted my fam, but I'm not holding my breath there. He did say he knows I probably can't get a sitter this late of notice, so there's always next time but I like to seize opportune moments. Even if this isn't particularly opportune.

 

[DobbyForever]

ETA and cuz it’s so damn bright when I told A to go to bed he went to his room since he’s used to bright being nap in his room. And now I’m over here crying cuz sugar pills and my baby isn’t in my bed. Idk how this will work out since he usually wakes up a few times. =\

I finally guilted the brother who doesn’t like him into babysitting and he rain checks because his dad comes home tonight not tomorrow r_r. Needless to say, bro was not amused.

And did I mention to make things more complicated, I had made a comment about he’s still the only person I’d let tag along on my beach vacation when he first texted. Didn’t bring it up again. And he’s like oh so would it be weird if I actually looked it up. He actually looked up flights (cuz he can only get a day off not a whole week lol). He like had a whole game plan. And he remembered last time that I got cold (I wear less clothes than him lol) so when I sat down he grabbed a blanket for me and put it over me and kissed my head. Like I can’t get a read on this guy. It’s so f*ing confusing!

 

[shaescott]

Dobs hm I agree with the non-diplomat twin just because he said he didn’t see things being long term. He only texted you after those two weeks because he wanted to get laid, which means he didn’t text you because he cares about you, he texted you because he cares about himself. It’s fine that he wants sex, that’s natural, I just think his priority is a fling type romance and not a real long term relationship. Just my 2¢ though. He could have been scared to make a statement of commitment so early and that’s all it was, but idk.

Sorry about how bright it is, I imagine due to DST? It used to be light out at 6 am and now it’s not until 7, which I’m not a fan of. I’m sure I’ll care less as spring starts and the days get longer. Fingers crossed we’ll be able to return closer to normal by summer, my vaccinated butt is itching to go do normal things like smiling at people without purposely scrunching my eyes to try to make it obvious that I’m smiling and without worrying I just look pissed or crazy or something instead of smiley. How did A sleeping in his own room go?

AFM has arrived, unsurprisingly. Mom is always right ah well, I’m sure it’s for the best that the diaphragm is working. I know that life will be easier if I wait until I’m married and working and living in an apartment with SO. I’m sure I’ll still POAS every month because I’m addicted but I bought cheapies so that’s no biggie. I was thinking about trying a different supplement to regulate my cycles, but I decided against it because the last one prolonged my cycle, and my body might just need some time without any interventions to figure itself out.

I had a paper due at midnight and I’m only 1/4 into it. I’m about to nap for 2 hours and then try to get back into it, because I’m exhausted but this needs to get done by early morning, the sooner the better because I can’t afford to have the professor not take it at all.

 

[DobbyForever]

Shae hugs. I know it’s disappointing when af shows even if you logically know it’s for the best. I used to have a little mantra that every cycle af came is just another month of preparedness I will be for my baby and I’ll be that much better of a mom. Probably doesn’t help much but kept me sane. Ish. Lol. Hopefully you can figure out something to help regulate things. I’m not really well versed in the world of supplements. And good luck with your paper! Hopefully wasn’t too big a task and you managed to sleep

yeah the brightness is DST. It’s a pain. Thankfully I switched to curtains in all the upstairs rooms so the blackout helps. A also doesn’t throw big tantrums but ugh.

im def going to get af today. I feel all the cramping. Finally got my doc to give me a second std panel because I’m still itchy and thankfully the tests that have come back are negative

re The Boy. He’s definitely just in it for sex. I do think he genuinely likes me as a friend/person, my bullshit meter isn’t going off. But he obviously doesn’t see me as a gf. Whether or not that’s because he’s actually overwhelmed at work or he just doesn’t want to date someone with a kid, I don’t know. I’m not upset about it because he’s entitled to feel that way. I’ve been set up with plenty of great single dads/guys that I just don’t see it working out. He’s not the one saying there’s no future. In fact, he says the opposite-ish. That right now he just has a lot on his plate, but he thinks I’m amazing and he just doesn’t want to give me less attention than I deserve. And that I need to stop saying that we don’t have a future and that I can’t count it out. I’m just the type of person who believes there’s you can or you won’t with no in between or excuses. He says that not everyone is like me and some people need space when they’re overwhelmed where I run to people I love/like.

What I don’t understand is that I have repeatedly given him the out to bd and leave. He always stays to talk for 1-1.5 hours. Sure, lonely. It’s a pandemic. Then we always cuddle, initiated by him. Like full arms linked, fingers laced, my head on his shoulder and his head on mine glued together cuddling. Which ok oxytocin. Pandemic. Lonely. It really doesn’t feel calculated. I know what calculated feels like, and I ignore it. Every ex I should have dumped, I posted on fb after date 1 that they ducked as people lol.

I love being with him. I love DTD for once. And I’m honestly ok with this status quo. I’m still talking to other guys. But it’s hard because he sets the bar so high that it makes it hard to be open to some people.

but in better news turns out A’s therapist didn’t quit. So that’s exciting.

 

[DobbyForever]

And to make excuses for him LMFAO I did text him two weeks ago saying I was deleting his number and that I wish him well blah blah overdramatic drank too much on an empty stomach pissy hormones lmfao. So it’s not totally weird that he didn’t immediately respond to that. But I still know that this is just about sex and companionship for him, and I can live with that for now. There will come a point where he’ll need to s* or get off the pot, but I’m not there yet. Especially since my past history is to get to that mindset early and then they’re not done with fwb so I get the label without the actual commitment. Idk but my gut does say I don’t think this is going to evolve into anything or, if it does, he’d be endgame. But leans more towards the former. He does feel perfect for now. Like honestly he feels like he was sent in this time of my life to heal me and, despite his lack of commitment, he is.

 

[DobbyForever]

Re: The Only Boy Who Matters

A had speech today. He's made so much progress. But today he really used a lot of 2 and 3 words phrases with his SLP. He's been using them at home, but it's always that much better to see him generalizing a new skill. And I get so exhausted that it's hard to get excited, so when she gets excited then it's a great validation. I know we have a ways to go but I'm so thankful that we're able to still get his ABA and his speech therapy right now. And to see the growth in the last 6 months. I feel so blessed.

P.S. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

 

[shaescott]

Dobs I think that’s a good mantra, another month to better myself and learn more so I can be a better mom when the time comes.

I’m glad your std panel has come back negative so far, sorry you’re still itchy

My SO needs space when he’s overwhelmed so that’s definitely a thing, I struggle with it because I’m the opposite, I run to my loved ones.

If you’re cool with the status quo, then I guess everything’s good, nothing wrong with just enjoying what you have now

I’m so happy to hear that A’s therapist didn’t actually quit and that he’s been making progress with his SLP! From the perspective of a non-parent (I had work study in a 1st grade classroom for a while) it’s so exciting when you notice students making progress. We had one little boy who came in way behind the other kids, he spoke fine but couldn’t read, didn’t know the alphabet or the sounds letters made. By the end of the first semester he’d learned so many letters and sounds and it was great to see, so exciting.