What not to say:

[StillPraying]

OMG tcinks that's terrible I just think they need to have separated terms as it is definitely separate things. That being said our military ball is coming up so all of my coworkers keep saying well at least you can drink now!!

 

[klc4990]

Sometimes silence and a hug is all you need

 

[chistiana]

Jeeeeezzzz seriously?? "At least you can drink now"???????? SERIOUSLY??? So so sorry

 

[StillPraying]

That's military life for you though. I know they mean well but ouch! It gets better. Had my 6 week postpartum check up today and I believe dh uses the words "get over it" about a dozen times. As in "well she's still bleeding so she can't get over it". Worst choice of words EVER.

 

[HelenJane]

My family keep saying "it wasent meant to be"
And "your lucky you have two already"
I know they dont say these things to be hurtful i just wish they would choose what they say more carefully. I dont want to hear those things. Yes my baby was meant to be. I dont know what happened but they were meant to be!!
And i do know how lucky i am to already have children its just they say it like i am ungrateful for them because im mourning this baby. Not nice.

 

[StillPraying]

Helen i despise the "lucky you have 2". You had 3 and lost one. Having 2 does not make losing the 3rd any less painful. Grieving your loss definitely does not mean you love your other children any less. The problem is that because we are the ones who carry the baby, and have to feel the effect of losing them, others dont understand because they dont see the baby. They dont feel anything.

 

[chistiana]

My husband used to use this line a lot.."you have 2 so just be thankful.." he is a long distance runner so I told him "ok if you ever loose one leg I ll just say "you have a second leg so just be thankful"..that kind of brought things in perspective

 

[lesondemavie]

I think if anything having kids already makes it harder in a way. You know first hand the love and joy a child brings into your life. You know what you lost more intimately than those of us who are still trying for our first. Every cycle that I'm not pregnant now is harder, not because I didn't want it just as bad before, but because I know how wonderful and joyful I felt while pregnant, and I mourn that loss each and every cycle that goes by. You may not have to live with that fear of never getting to experience a full-term pregnancy and never becoming a mom in that way, but you are grieving all the same and in a way that I cannot.

 

[huskergirl]

ugh glad I found this I am just finishing my first MC with my 1st pregnancy after trying for 14 months....first thing out of my damn mother in laws mouth:
-"well at least we know you can actually get pregnant now and aren't broken like we thought and (Insert DHs name here) can be in a better mood cause of all the sex of you guys trying again!" and then mic drop walks away and proceeds to talk about SILs "perfect children"/(poster children for hysterectomies I shit you not)....
amongst other comments...My least favorite that makes me want to throat punch someone:
"It was gods will....there was probably something wrong with the baby, It could have been disabled"....as they are staring at a woman whos disabled baby sister has been the light of my life for 15 years....I could kill someone...disabled or not I would have loved the hell out of my baby regardless....
My poor DH got crap from a co-worker (almost got in a fist fight) because this young 21 year old jack hole pops off "well why did you take off its not like you lost the baby, your wife couldn't stay pregnant, not you, its not a big deal it wasn't even a real baby yet!"...I have never in over 10 years together (dating and married) seen my husband get that mad....and I saw him 4 hours later....not good people are idiots

 

[chistiana]

Huskergirl geeezzz your mil sounds like a true 'jackpot' �� there... I am so sorry about your loss...some people say things to make you feel better (and say utter crap in doing so) and some are just mean. Try to shut those conversations out if you can or tell them right in their faces how horrid they sound..that might shut them up for a while! I promise the pain of your loss will get better in due time..in the meantime we re here if you need to vent or anything

 

[huskergirl]

Huskergirl geeezzz your mil sounds like a true 'jackpot' �� there... I am so sorry about your loss...some people say things to make you feel better (and say utter crap in doing so) and some are just mean. Try to shut those conversations out if you can or tell them right in their faces how horrid they sound..that might shut them up for a while! I promise the pain of your loss will get better in due time..in the meantime we re here if you need to vent or anything

OH she is a peach alright....I remember planning our wedding she was all about the fact that (and told every dress store I let her come to) that "well you cant wear a white dress we all know the jig is up"...lets just say I REALLY love my husband and father inlaw....a whole lot or id have chocked her by now....I wish I could say this isn't her norm but sadly thatd be a lie...

 

[BunnyN]

Those are some really mean comments! Not sure what some people are thinking. I think lots most people just say stupid things when they are trying to say something to make you feel better. Others say stupid things because they get awkward and don't know what to say but there is the odd one that seems like they are actually trying to be an idiot! I can't blame your husband for being mad! Sorry for both your your loss, hugs.

 

[chistiana]

She sounds worse than the worst. I m so sorry you got her as mil!

 

[huskergirl]

She is by far the biggest struggle in our marriage....I know DH cant help who he was born to but damn... luckily she irritates DH as much if not more then she does me so our amount of time stuck around her is VERY limited....

 

[chistiana]

Thank goodness!! She d be too toxic to spend time with daily!!

 

[Myshelsong]

I asked my mom to come shopping with me a week after it happened because I was scared I would have a breakdown in the store.
As we are walking to the door she goes "You look good, have you lost weight?"
I lost it. She obviously didn't mean anything bad at all, she is heavy and was trying to say something nice and since she loves it when someone says she looks thinner she thought it would be ok. She realized after but omg I couldn't stop crying.

 

[BunnyN]

That was an unfourtunate thing to say. I can see how it was meant to be nice but it would have upset me too.

 

[chistiana]

Yikes I am sorry but I m also sorry for your mom..she must have felt terrible...

 

[Myshelsong]

She completely did. We had a good cry and then laugh a few hours later. But it is still the worst thing anyone said by far.

 

[chistiana]

Ooowwww poor mom... I m sorry for both and yes it was bad!