I don't want my MIL to babysit!

[weewdy]

I have the same rights to my daughter as my partner does and if he wanted/trusted someone enough to watch our daughter i would be behind him 100% as he loves our daughter as much as i do. I think its a shame how grandparents dont have the same equal rights. As for the poster saying put them in daycare i personally have worked in many daycares and half the workers couldnt care less about your child, half the time there there for the pay. Also in daycare your child will catch more illness bad habits etc. I would always chose family over random people. Unless they have down something bad to my child. The things you have mentioned your mil doing are not 'bad' as such. Im sure you could iron out any problems if you sit down and speak to her i dont think she would ever deliberately hurt your child. I hope you sort things whatever you decide on.

 

[mommyof3co]

Thing is it doesn't matter what she's done. Watching her grandchild isn't a right, it's a privilege. And if she can't follow very simple things, such as not picking up the baby, with the mother RIGHT there telling her why would she listen when she tells her what to do when she's not there? It wouldn't matter though if she'd done nothing at all, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable with it for no reason whatsoever, it's HER child she shouldn't leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with.

I guess we must agree to disagree on this point. I do think it's relevant "what she's done".

I personally feel that a good working relationship with a child's grandparents (and with OHs - let's not forget that the reason for this thread is that he's likely to be upset that the OP doesn't want his mum baby-sitting) is something that ought to be prioritised over what comes down to - in the end - extremely trivial and non-dangerous differences in baby care.

I do think that a good working relationship with the grandparents (as long as they aren't toxic, which doesn't appear to be the case here) is a great thing and is what should happen. BUT I think things need to be fixed so that the OP actually feels comfortable leaving her LO with the MIL not her be forced into it. If that means spending more time together, laying down some ground rules and just talking to the MIL, telling her what she wants out of the relationship and seeing where things go. But just because the dad is ok with leaving LO there doesn't mean the OP should go against her gut and do it, it shouldn't be forced.

 

[AP]

You know, I think it's clear the OP has reservations, probably even ones that she hasn't spoke of here, instincts and all.

If the OH isn't happy, then yes, a compromise has to be reached. That's fair. But if the OH accepts that the mum has worries then the situation has no need to be forced.

Yep compromise is probably the key here dependant on where the OH stands on the matter.

 

[weewdy]

Can i also add that it takes two to make a baby so both have equal rights.

 

[AP]

Mommyof3co I agree with everything your saying. The relationship needs to be worked on first.
What's the point in leaving your LO somewhere to have your own free time if all you're gonna do is worry. I think the concerns need to be ironed out and EVERYONE needs to benefit from LO going to stay

I remember my DH being unhappy with my attitude towards seeing MIL until I sat him down and explained my concerns. Of course we have equal rights but why force each other into things we could be upset about, theres no need. He does his best to keep us all happy and get along so I can gain some trust.(although I do have a rather sneaky MIL so a bit different here) Communication with the OH and both understanding the steps needed to take to make everyone comfortable would really help.

 

[Emma&Freya]

Its what you feel comfy with. My OH asks if his family can have Freya, its me that makes the decisions cos I organise stuff.

Im now not comfy with his aunty and nan having her no more.

 

[fannyadams]

I really don't think you ladies with baby boys should be worrying. These are the 'old school' MIL's we are talking about, not willing to move ahead with new rules/anything out of their comfort zone. If you appreciate how these women make the mummy's feel, as you do, then I am sure you will do your best to make her feel good as a new mum and give her the right support rather than saying 'well I did this 30 years ago'.

A bit OT I know but I wonder how most of us will be if our DILs wean at 12 weeks as that's the rule in 20 years time? Or the new rule is baby to sleep on tummy? Or anything else that we're all so passionate about now?
It's easy to say our babies our rules but how will we be if our DILs bring their lo's up with rules that are totally against how we feel (ear peircing etc).

 

[Dk1234]

How would you all feel if your husband's said that your mom couldn't watch your child because he just doesn't trust her. Not because if anything she has done but just because. It isn't fair and honestly, I think it's a bit ridiculous to say what if she drives her without a car seat. I mean surely this woman isn't an idiot. It's dinner that might take two hours. Put baby to bed right when she gets there and she will probably sleep the whole time. This is sad to me. I mean I have a controlling mil and I understand not feeling comfortable but it is a disservice to the LO to hinder the relationship between one grandparent based on unfounded insecurities. I just identify because I have a son I guess. If she had truly done something, fine, some people truly have bad MIL's but this just isn't fair. Every older person I know says my son should be on cereall, they would never feed him behind my back though. She just sounds like a mother to me. I think it would do us all a little good to remember she was exactly in our position once upon a time. And one day, we will all be in hers. Hopefully our daughters and dil's won't keep our grandchildren from us simple based on things that could happen.

 

[Kyliem87]

I think people need to think out side the box sometimes. Just cause we were parented one way not everyones is the same. Yet we've all survived right? We are very traditional in a lot of things. We eat at the table EVERY night, if my mam goes on holiday she stocks the cupboards/fridge etc and leaves me money for odds and ends/fresh, my parents would NEVER ask my to lend them any money. Flip this and OH eats in his bedroom, buys his own food and has often bailed his parents out for 1 reason or another. Now this may seem OT however the point is - I don't get his lifestyle as that wasn't how I was raised. It's the same with general parenting - my mam had a routine from day 1, his mam didn't.

I trust my mams parenting styles as I saw them first hand. But I've had to learn to trust my in-laws. Whatever happens I know they love her and wouldn't do anything they think will hurt her. My MIL came on holiday with us in June for the 2nd week. Bare in mind we survived the first with no incidents. The 1st day there LO was lying on the sunbeds between my legs and MIL says "OOOO WATCH HER HEAD AT THE END OF THAT SUNBED!" yes it was annoying, LO was fine, but she meant well. Which is what I think your MIL means - we just sometimes take it the wrong way

I think you have an unhealthy view of LO being YOURS. Unfortunately our fellas CAN'T get pregnant, carry it for 9 months then birth it. This isn't a CHOICE thing. He never said "oh I don't want to do it, you do the hard work love" and had a leisurly 9 months. I was really poorly and have health issues even now. But that isn't HIS fault that he couldn't have them instead. You say on one hand you know he has equal rights etc. then in the next sentence say how your say should over rule his.

Either way I hope you figure something out

 

[jenniferttc1]

Wait, why is MIL not able to pick up a 7 week old baby that's cry anyways? That's what you do...?
I had to fight with my mother and husband to pick up my child when he screamed cause they would have do CIO and thats way to young!

 

[special_kala]

The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.

And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.

We have different relationships with different people. That's life.

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.

I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.

 

[special_kala]

And for the people worried about ending up like this mil....that's easily avoided. Treat your dil with respect from the get go, don't question their parenting, don't act like she has stolen your son or isn't good enough and learn when to smile and nod.

Easy

 

[Soph n Chris]

The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.

And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.

We have different relationships with different people. That's life.

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.

I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.

And women don't understand what it's like to be a father

 

[weewdy]

The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.

And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.

We have different relationships with different people. That's life.

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.

I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.

And women don't understand what it's like to be a father

You bet me to it i was going to say exactly the same.

Men get slated all the time for being bad dads but half the time the mums think there better than them and dont give them a chance.

 

[Soph n Chris]

^abso-bloody-lutley

 

[special_kala]

Who said anything about being a bad dad. Men do not have the same physical and hormonal connection we do as mother's.

 

[whit.]

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies.

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

 

[Soph n Chris]

We are talking about a fathers rights to make decisions about baby being just as important as a mothers rights. A (most) father will love their baby with the same unconditional love that a mother has. Is it their fault that they can't be pregnant? Should they be 'pushed out' of decisions because a mother is more hormonally (sp?) attached??

No.

 

[Larkspur]

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this.

Well, different people interpret actions differently. The OP said her MIL came and did her washing and OP saw it as rude and a veiled commentary on her housekeeping skills. Other posters said they'd love their MIL to show up and cart off their laundry without being asked and would see it as being helpful. Same action, different interpretations.

 

[weewdy]

Who said anything about being a bad dad. Men do not have the same physical and hormonal connection we do as mother's.

They love their kids just as much asmums can. Hence the reason they should have just as big a say in their childs life as the mum.