I don't want my MIL to babysit!

[devon_91x]

My OH asked if we could go out for dinner on Thursday evening and leave Darcey with his mum. I told him "maybe" but in my head it is a definate NO. To start with she is only 7 weeks so i don't want to leave her yet just so we can go for dinner. And the thought of his mum babysitting just worries me. I don't know why because she has never done anything to Darcey, but i just don't want her to babysit. My mum has only ever watched her once for a few hours whilst i popped out, and although i hated being apart from her, it didn't bother me too much. I know that my problem is with my MIL because i just can't stand her, but at the end of the day, she is MY baby. I carried her for 9 months, i gave birth to her, i look after her 24/7, so surely if i dont feel comfortable with this then thats my choice?

I just know my OH is going to be annoyed because in November it's my best friends 21st and im going up to see him overnight. I would rather my OH watched her but in all honesty, he just cant cope with her on his own. I went to dinner with my friends the other week and was gone for 3 hours. When i come home she was screaming and he looked like he was about to have a breakdown. So ive told my mum she can watch her overnight and told OH to just have a night off or see his friends. I know it dosn't seem fair that my mum can babysit and my MIL can't, but tbh i just don't feel bad about this because i just think "my baby, my rules". But should i feel bad?

I know its wrong to feel this way, but sometimes i just think because im her mum im her "main" parent. I mean i always let OH make decisions etc and of course i know he has as much right as i do, but sometimes i just feel as tho what i say should go. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

 

[Larkspur]

As the mother of a baby boy, it does make me rather sad to think that one day my son's partner might treat me as a secondary grandparent just because I'm not her own mum.

If there is no particular reason that you feel unsafe about your MIL having LO (ie, she openly disregards your rules for LO, she has an unhealthy home environment, etc) then it may be a bit unfair that you treat her differently to your mum. After all, she managed to raise your OH, right?

I can understand you not wanting to leave your LO at seven weeks but if you'd be prepared to leave her with your own mum, maybe consider cutting your MIL a break. It's her grandchild too, she would probably love to care for her.

 

[whit.]

Honestly, if I were your OH I would be quite annoyed especially since you've gone out without your baby already and he just wants to take you to dinner.

What if he said "his baby, his choice" because you both share the same rights, your LO is just as much his to make decisions with.

I say if your MIL hasn't ever given you a reason not to trust her then to let her babysit and have a nice dinner with your OH.

 

[FarfromHome]

I understand where you're coming from, as I'm in a kind of similar situation. I do love my mother in law and we get along fine, but for some reason I have anxiety about her watching my daughter ( who's just a little bit older than yours =) ) . I actually posted a thread on here awhile back about how I wasn't sure why I felt the way I did but I was just anxious about MIL watching her.

I know our feelings can be powerful but sometimes they don't have any real meaning or reason behind them. I had to take a step back from the situation and *REALLY* think about why I was anxious about her watching my DD. To be honest, I couldn't really think of any real reason at all. I know she'll be taken care of and even if my MIL doesn't do something exactly the way I do it, it's just one night. My MIL is flying out to visit soon and DH and I will let her watch our DD so we can go out one night.

Now, if you're genuinely worried about the care of your daughter under your MILs watch, then that's a totally different story. But, for whatever it's worth, I would encourage you to enjoy a night of free babysitting. It's so important to keep connected with your OH ( a lesson I learned the hard way =/ ) so I say go out and enjoy each other!

 

[2ndtimeluckyX]

I know exactly how you feel, and at just 7 weeks old who could blame you! I felt EXACTLY the same. Now at 11 months I'm perfectly happy for either parents to babysit and in time you will too. Of course you are going to feel more confident leaving her with your own mother. Yes it's a bit unfair from your MIL point of view but you can't help how you feel. Your baby is still so new, don't feel bad about it

 

[mummytasha18]

I was like you! but then i had no other choice but to let my mil look after lo as i started college and she really enjoyed spending time with her grandson. i do think if she hasnt given you a reason not to trust her then why not give it a try even for a couple of hours. if your not comfortable with it while lo is so young then why not try in a few weeks

 

[Liesje]

Remember, she raised your OH so she must know a little bit about looking after babies.
I can understand not wanting to leave your baby with someone you don't know as well as your own mother, but how would you feel if your OH felt that way about her?
As much as we'd like to be entitled to extra decision making rights because babies came out of us, it should be a mutual decision.
I too as a mom of a boy am kind of sad to think I may not be trusted with my grandchildren

 

[devon_91x]

I probably should have given a few reasons why i don't feel comfortable with it. To start with she is always condensending me when she comes round. Whenever my LO starts crying shes like "You need to feed her" Even when i know shes not crying of hunger. She makes me feel like im starving my baby. I am trying to get into a routine with LO, that when she is sleeping and starts crying to be picked up, we just stay by her side and stroke her back to sleep. I know for a fact MIL will pick her up even if i ask her not to (she did this the other day and i was really annoyed) She wants me to start giving her Wheetabix because she gave my OH it at 6 weeks, which is NOT going to happen. Also whenever ive been round there ive noticed that she thinks its ok to let her dog jump up at my LO when shes in her car seat and she dosnt lock the dog in a different room. My mum has a dog and is so careful about leaving him near my LO and if she leaves LO in a room alone she 100% makes sure the dog is locked out from that room. I mentioned the other day about taking my LO swimming soon after her jabs, and she told me i MUST wait until 4 months. I just feel as tho she thinks she knows everything when it comes to my LO and seems to forget that i gave birth to Darcey, not her.

When i go back to work she is looking after her for a few hours one day a week which tbh i am dreading. If it wasnt for the fact i need to work then i wouldnt let her. At the end of the day i know its harsh but if i don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter with someone then i should go with my gut, even if it is her nan.

 

[mummytasha18]

Have you tried telling her in a polite way that you wouldnt like the dog around your lo etc. when Dylan first went to mil i explained that i didnt want her dog in the same room as Dylan she completely understood and i explained how i done certain things etc. i know its hard but just try not to worry im sure it will all be okay!

 

[whit.]

Lay down some rules. I'd let her keep your LO for a dinner date to prepare myself for her watching her while you're going back to work.

 

[KittyVentura]

As the mother of a baby boy, it does make me rather sad to think that one day my son's partner might treat me as a secondary grandparent just because I'm not her own mum.

If there is no particular reason that you feel unsafe about your MIL having LO (ie, she openly disregards your rules for LO, she has an unhealthy home environment, etc) then it may be a bit unfair that you treat her differently to your mum. After all, she managed to raise your OH, right?

I can understand you not wanting to leave your LO at seven weeks but if you'd be prepared to leave her with your own mum, maybe consider cutting your MIL a break. It's her grandchild too, she would probably love to care for her.

Nail on the head.

I also feel very worried, as a mother of a darling boy, when I read threads like this. Worried that my grandchildren through him, who I will love just the same as my grandchildren through Mops, might be kept for me or have visits limited on the whim of the mother.

I think what you HAVE to accept is that your OH is just as much a parent as you are, has just as much a say in LOs upbringing and who babysits and his mum is JUST as much a grandmother as your own mother is.

And just think of it from your child's side. How WONDERFUL is it that they have another grandmother who loves them SO much that they want to spend quality alone time with them. Is it fair to your child to restrict that for no other reason other than a personal disliking? As you are now forever linked to your MIL isit not better that you just learn to put your feelings aside and try to learn to like the woman?

I can completely understand not wanting to leave baby at 7 weeks, I really do. A if that was your issue I'd back you 100%... But you have to respect and accept that your MIL has just as much right to get to know and spend time with your baby as our own Mum does.

As an add on, this advice is irrelevant if you had any genuine reason to feel your child wouldn't be safe in her care. My own Mum gets to see my babies supervised at all times by me, but having been neglected through my childhood, at the mercy of her temper and knowing how emotionally unstable, Id never leave my kids in her care. Ever. And she knows that. My MIL on the other hand has them a couple times a month xx

 

[Liesje]

To be honest, none of those things sound too detrimental, just different from your parenting, it's not like you can over feed a baby (they just return to sender), I'd talk to her about the dog thing though. Sounds like you just don't like her... I'm the same with my mom... I'm not really a fan of her either, she does everythig the opposit of me just for spite but I've come to realize that there can be more than one correct way to do something so it doesn't always have to be my way.

 

[Larkspur]

I don't want to come across as critical, but it seems like most of your concerns are founded on fears that she might not follow your rules, not that she has done anything wrong.

If you draw clear boundaries about what you want (eg. 'Please don't pick LO up when she cries, we're trying really hard to establish a sleep routine', 'Please don't give LO any food, even Weetbix' etc) then I think you should at least give her a chance to look after LO and prove your fears unfounded. If she ignores them, fine, don't let her babysit, but if she follows them, then you will reassure yourself.

I think it is also a bit, well, self-centred to think that you are the one doing her a favour by 'letting' her look after LO when you are at work. You could always pay a babysitter you know... or do your concerns about MIL's suitability as a babysitter somehow become less important when there's money involved?

 

[KittyVentura]

To add, having just seen your reply. You need to just make it clear what your routines are, what is to happen and what is not. IF she went against your wishes then you would have reason to not allow her to look after baby. But the fact she suggest things you do not agree with doesn't mean she will do them the moment your back is turned.

I love my MIL dearly. She is like a Mum to me, we talk every day, go shopping together, gossip, etc etc. But when Fin was born she'd suggest I fret him water every time he fussed, from newborn. Kept suggesting it every time and it did get annoying. But I just explained each time that he didn't need any yet and when she had him I wrote a full list of his routine and I KNOW she followed this to the letter, that routine sheet stayed on her fridge for ages.

Also, I think it's pretty insulting to not want her to look after your child except when you HAVE to for work. She will pick up on the fact that you never allow her to see baby alone except for when YOU need it and might decide not to help you out, after all she would quite rightly feel used. I know I would xx

 

[babyjan]

I think some people can't help but trust their LO's with their mum over their inlaws, I know I would rather my mum look after my LO and I have left him with my mum when he was only 8 weeks for 2 hours and I felt fine although I did call every 5 minutes lol

No disrespect to my mil but I don't think she'd be bothered by it she has plenty of other grandchildren from her daughters and my mother only has my son has her grandchild, plus I have a few reasons why I would prefer my mum over her baby sitting any day

OP, do what you think it's right if you don't feel ready to leave your LO just yet don't let anyone force you x

 

[MummytoSummer]

If your mil is good enough for you to look after your lo while you need to work then she should also be good enough to watch lo other times.

If you feel so strongly about her not looking after your lo then you need to also find alternative childcare when you go back to work because to be honest that's pretty insulting to expect it under those circumstances when you need her, but when your oh wants his mum to watch lo or she wants to, you don't want her to.

Give her a chance. Your lo will appreciate being given the same opportunity to have a relationship with her as with your own mum.

If you find she screws up by purposley going against your wishes, then fair enough, but until that day then I say cut her some slack.

X

 

[devon_91x]

I don't want to come across as critical, but it seems like most of your concerns are founded on fears that she might not follow your rules, not that she has done anything wrong.

If you draw clear boundaries about what you want (eg. 'Please don't pick LO up when she cries, we're trying really hard to establish a sleep routine', 'Please don't give LO any food, even Weetbix' etc) then I think you should at least give her a chance to look after LO and prove your fears unfounded. If she ignores them, fine, but if she follows them, then you will reassure yourself.

I think it is also a bit, well, self-centred to think that you are the one doing her a favour by 'letting' her look after LO when you are at work. You could always pay a babysitter you know... or do your concerns about MIL's suitability as a babysitter somehow become less important when there's money involved?

No it's nothing to do with money at all, and tbh i am looking into seeing if i can afford/get help with nursery fees so that my LO can go to nursery rather than have my mum and MIL look after her.

I know nobody is trying to be critical but im assuming that you probably have a MIL who you get on well with and have never looked down on you as a parent and condesended you?

This is a woman who made me feel bad for formula feeding and told the rest of OHs family that i stopped breast feeding which made me feel like sh*t. She let herself into my flat whilst in was in hospital (bare in mind ive asked for the key back!) to change my bed sheets and took my washing home - which included my dirty underwear, rude, no? Then told OHs family she was doing my washing because i couldnt do it myself. Shes constantly slates my mum for no reason and makes bitchy remarks about my 15 YEAR OLD sister Also when she was a few days old i walked into the garden to find she had taken a bottle out and started to feed her, without asking me. For the first few weeks i wanted me and OH to be the only ones that fed her, so we could get that "bond". To feed my baby without even asking is just rude.

And yeah before anyone says it, i completly agree that my reasons for not letting her babysit are because i have an issue with her, rather than worry about my child being with her. I would never stop her having contact with my daughter, but at the moment i just dont want her to be alone with her. When, and if, she looks after my LO when i go back to work, she will be 9 months by then and hopefully my feelings would have changed. Plus my LO will be alot older and i will (hopefully) feel more comfortable leaving her with babysitters.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Lay down the law. If she balks then you know there really are issues and you will have to sort them. If not, then all is well.

 

[Liesje]

Can I mail her my spare key in case shed like to break into my home, do my laundry and feed my kids without being asked?
She can tell my family anything she wants lol

 

[devon_91x]

To all the people saying "If she breaks your rules then fair enough" But if i'm not there when she is watching my LO, how will i know? For all i know she could be breaking my routine, she could be feeding her wheetabix, she could be letting the dog crawl all over her, but how would i know? I think thats what worries me alot. Not just with her, this worries me with my mum aswell.