Three year old won't play with other children - positive update :)

[Mary Jo]

I went for a meeting with Adam's nursery teacher last week, and she told me she has *never* seen Adam speak to or play with the other children. he is 3 years and 7 months old, and one of the very youngest since his birthday is mid-Aug. He's been there since October, and starts reception in Sept. He had a difficult start at nursery (it's a school nursery) because he wouldn't conform and do things/stop doing things if he didn't want to. The teacher wanted to put him on the special needs register after 2.5 weeks because of this (plus a minor concern with his speech). I refused because I felt they hadn't given him time to settle in, especially given he'd just turned 3 and had never been in any sort of group childcare situation.

Since the first few months, he has (to my, and my husband's, mind) improved hugely, he communicates brilliantly with us, he still has tantrums but fewer of them, he's less violent and more reasonable. He's generally been happy to go to nursery and come away. He talks to us about the different children, and can name every one of them from a class photograph. From what he says to us, you'd think he was fine, but it seems all isn't as he tells us.

His teacher says he communicates excellently with the other adults (and he does spend a lot of time one to one with one particular teacher, because they're trying to support him) but won't speak to the children. She said he gets so engrossed in what he's doing that she thinks he is not really aware that they are there (unless they try to take his toy, and then the shit hits the fan).

He's never really spent a lot of time around other children, and I was aware that this wasn't ideal. we did go to playgroups, etc, but he was then as he is now: very much doing his own thing, focused and determined. I honestly thought going to nursery 2.5 hours a day 5 days a week, just physically being in the same room as 25 other kids, would help. Of course now he has a little brother, and they play together, and he never stops talking to him, he could rabbit on for England, but Joel, though far ahead of Adam in terms of speech at the same age, isn't really having conversations yet, and the games they play are very much instigated by, and dominated by, Adam.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether their concern is valid, or if they're over-reacting. Teacher certainly didn't reassure me in any way that it's normal, so I have to assume it isn't, and I can't help but worry that he's got a serious problem.

 

[angelae36]

Awww, big hugs to you.

Your son sounds a lot like my 3y4m daughter - except she has speech delay.
The fact that your son has some speech is good.
But he also sounds like a normal pre-schooler too. They all have tantrums and some are really quite shy.

My daughter started pre-school in January and did pretty much what your son did.
The manager called me in on day 2 and strongly suggested I get in touch with the HV, which I did - mainly so I could say "I told you so" when it turns out she is a normal child finding her own way!!!!

We now are waiting to see a second speech therapist (on Tuesday) the first just assessed Abbie and after 80 minutes decided she was autistic. Our HV disagrees with this however - and so do most others that have spent any amount of time with her., getting to know her.
We are also awaiting an appointment for her to be assessed by loads of people before it is decided how best they can help her.
We are thinking at this point we will do whatever assessment they want us to do, if it means she gets the help she needs.

I would suggest that you do get in touch with you HV and have a chat with them. At the very worst you can go back to nursery and tell them the problem doesn't lie with your son.
Alternatively give it a few days to give it time to sink in what the nursery have said then arrange an appointment for a further chat to see if anything can be clarified. I say leave it a few days as when dealing with our own children and the possibility of problems is very emotive. I find I handle situations better when I've had chance to think about things and even jot things down.

Sorry if I've not put your mind at rest.
Sometimes I do wish that children were allowed to get on with being their own person and not have to conform to any kind of "normal".

 

[Septie]

My eldest is almost your son's age, but very social. Could you possibly go in and observe? I think (but am not sure) that by this age, they should have some interest in playing with other kids, rather than playing alongside them. I'd worry and stay on top of it, but not overly so - since he appears like a happy chap and enjoying nursery, and that is the most important part I think. Perhaps you could have a child from nursery over for a playdate? Maybe so many kids at once overwhelm him?
FWIW, after only 2.5 weeks in the fall, I would have acted exactly like you!! It seems awfully quick to make any sort of recommendations.

 

[OmarsMum]

My firend's son is the same age as yours & he started pre-school in September. His teacher also told his mum the same, he's fine with adults but he doesn't communicate with kids. He doesn't have speech delay & he was an early talker. He loves going to pre-school.

Omar attends classes on his own, he also doesn't communicate with kids his age, he's fine with older kids & he has friends older than him, he started just recently to play with his cousin who's his age, although he sees him 3 times a week. He prefers to play with his older brother who's 3 yrs older.

 

[MrsT&Ben]

We have had the exact same discussion with Ben's nursery.
They told us that He doesn't talk or play with the other children and prefers adults company. I honestly didn't understand how this could be true because Ben loves children, whenever we are out in a play area he always chats away to other children, he doesn't necessarily play with them but I wasn't concerned.
They said they suspected that he had higher functioning autism. I honestly don't think he has.
My boy is very bright (I'm not just saying that because I'm his mummy he really is) so I think he can't relate to other children his age because they just don't hold any interest to him. Society seems too keen to stick a label on children these days.
All children are different. Let them be that way.
Are the nursery supporting you with? I must admit ours has been fab. There putting lots of steps in place to help him adjust. If they are willing to work with you then it could make all the difference. Xxxx

 

[_jellybean_]

It does sound like something could be going on, and from what you wrote, I do think that their concerns are valid. Is there a next step--like an evaluation?

I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear I would want to make sure that everything is okay though (which of course it could be). He may just be a quiet/shy child around other children, but it's worth looking into.

I find that sometimes children act very different in the classroom than they do at home.

 

[Mary Jo]

thanks so much everyone who's responded. I do feel anxious about it, even though I *do* think some of it is down to his age. I was just reading about reciprocal play, and apparently it emerges between 3 and 4. my son is only just over 3 and a half, and with the exception of gross motor skills, where he was on the early side of normal and has always been confident and physically co-ordinated, he's tended to do things on the later end of normal - he didn't speak much till he was 2, he potty trained at 2yrs 11 months.

however, on reading about Asperger's in particular, there are some signs that I have noted in the past, that in isolation didn't mean much but perhaps now when added up do. and I'm only really seeing how late Adam was in some things because I am comparing my younger son, who is meeting all his milestones. for example, Adam never waved till he was 2+, or nodded/shook his head; he didn't clap till about 15 months, he pointed a lot later than Joel has (though IIRC he did indicate stuff with his hand, never any flapping, etc). Adam had a few odd words from about 12 months, but never went through a stage of mimicking words (though he did babble as a baby) and acquiring new ones every day. until he was 2 I had a list, and it never amounted to more than about 20 or 30, and many were not ones he'd use with any regularity. but like I said, at 2 his speech blossomed, and now he has a very big vocabulary and never shuts up.

I don't want to jump to conclusions... but neither do I want to do him a disservice by ignoring the warning signs, when early intervention could be helpful for him.

oh, one thing I remembered last night, after I wrote this: I have seen him say goodbye and hello to children in the playground, and my husband and mum have seen him running around with the other kids before nursery (I don't often get there in time for him to spend time in the playground). also, I took his learning journey book home before Christmas and made a copy, and in one entry it describes him playing ring a ring a roses with a little girl, which another girl then joined in with. this was before the new teacher started, but surely that would class as playing with another child?

ideally I would be able to go and observe him at school, but I don't know if it would be possible without him knowing I am there. I can ask, anyway. he's definitely interested in other children, he loves spending time with his cousins (who are close in age to him) but unfortunately that doesn't happen as often as I'd like.

thanks again. I'm going to ring my health visitor, just to get the ball rolling.

 

[_jellybean_]

I think it's good that you're going to talk to your HV. Early intervention can make a huge difference. xoxo

 

[m4nc3r]

Agreed with others, it doesn't hurt to speak to your health visitor.
We all want the best for our children, so getting a couple of opinions can't hurt really ^_^

Most likely the new teacher is just overreacting, or if your LO has grown close to a teacher in particular then he may be chosing him/her over other children just out of preference?

 

[Mary Jo]

Bumping this with an update

I spoke to Adam's teacher a few weeks ago and things have improved - a lot. She said he is now seeking out two other boys to play with, one of whom speaks no English, but that's apparently irrelevant, and is talking to some of the other children. She's really pleased and relieved, and so am I. I also saw her a couple of days ago, and she said it's like he's only just figured it all out, but now he has he seems quite social. Which is wonderful, considering how very concerned she was just 2 months ago.

Of course, his behaviour at home is pretty horrific a lot of the time - especially when he's tired - and my own relationship with him is often very difficult (everything is a fight with him at the moment, a *lot* of screaming tantrums, extremely contrary, moody, sulky, doesn't let things go, wanting to do whatever anyone else has done (for example, when at the pelican crossing, he wants to press the button first, ok, fine, then I tell him it's Joel's turn, so Joel has a go, and Adam screams 'no, it's MY TURN' even though he HAD A TURN already...) but hey, at least nursery is going better. can't have it all, I guess.

 

[polaris]

That's brilliant that he's doing so much better socially.

You have my sympathies on the behaviour at home, we are going through similar. I think sometimes they are developing so quickly that it just gets a bit overwhelming for them and comes out in that sort of behaviour. Doesn't really help when you are on the third pointless meltdown of the day and you're not even dressed yet.

 

[sparkle_1979]

Really glad I found this as today nursery told me the same and I've been worried sick. Glad u had an improvement with your lo x

 

[Shruti Patil]

Bumping this with an update

I spoke to Adam's teacher a few weeks ago and things have improved - a lot. She said he is now seeking out two other boys to play with, one of whom speaks no English, but that's apparently irrelevant, and is talking to some of the other children. She's really pleased and relieved, and so am I. I also saw her a couple of days ago, and she said it's like he's only just figured it all out, but now he has he seems quite social. Which is wonderful, considering how very concerned she was just 2 months ago.

Of course, his behaviour at home is pretty horrific a lot of the time - especially when he's tired - and my own relationship with him is often very difficult (everything is a fight with him at the moment, a *lot* of screaming tantrums, extremely contrary, moody, sulky, doesn't let things go, wanting to do whatever anyone else has done (for example, when at the pelican crossing, he wants to press the button first, ok, fine, then I tell him it's Joel's turn, so Joel has a go, and Adam screams 'no, it's MY TURN' even though he HAD A TURN already...) but hey, at least nursery is going better. can't have it all, I guess.

Hi Mary Jo,

I have same concerns for My 3.5 year old son as you had for your son Adam in 2013. Just wanted to check with you, how is your son doing now?

Would really appreciate if you could please respond.

Thanks,
Shruti