So there's my answer :(

[bluebell]

After months of my broodiness building to the point where every month I'm really upset when my period arrives I finally had a completely honest conversation with my DH about how I'm really feeling. I told him everything about how upset I am, how I feel time is ticking on and soon the choice will be taken away, how I feel someone is missing from our family, how I'd give up everything to be a SAHM, do all the hard work, that I cannot get my head around why he feels there are more negatives than positives to having another, that forever more we'd have another child to love, to watch grow up, to enjoy all the milestones etc... We talked about the resentment I feel that he's depriving me of my dream, how I worry that I'll always regret not having a second child

His response was he's nearly 40, he finally feels that we're getting our life back, that he's looking forward to the next decade of his life being as stress free as possible, that at 10 years old we're at the stage we can really enjoy our son as he gets more independent, that the thought of having another child horrifies him and that although he'd do anything to make me happy he can't have a child just for me, that he worries he'd always resent them and me and that is not fair on anyone, least of all a baby. That he can't continue with the constant pressure I'm putting on him.

Then he said he would 'happily' leave me if it's what I truly want, that he wouldn't stand in the way of my dream and that he just wants me to be happy, that there would be loads of other men who would feel differently and give me the larger family I want, wtf!

So there's my answer, we've been together nearly 22 years since we were teenagers, we've grown up together and have been through so much and I love him dearly, we have a wonderful son who I adore and there's no way on this planet I could choose to rip his family apart for my own selfish desires. I also agree with him that bringing a child into the world who is unwanted by his dad would not be fair on anyone and certainly not a child.

Somehow I need to let this go, I'm not quite sure where to start, when you've been yearning for something for so long its all you know, when all my hopes and dreams have included being pregnant again, bringing another child up, at the moment I just feel lost and very emotional We don't use protection and rely on pull out method which on the one hand keeps my hope alive that I could fall pregnant by accident and I do genuinely feel he would accept that child as we both are strong believers in fate. But on the other hand it's like a monthly torment, every month when my period comes I feel totally gutted. He has suggested he gets the snip but it's just so final.

I don't know how to get past this but I know I have to, for the sake of our marriage and our family! It's honestly one of the hardest things I've ever faced, when you both want different things, how can you both be truly happy?!

xx

 

[twinklestar25]

Blimey, that’s abit harsh of him. But he sounds like he’s not going to change his mind. How can someone say they will happily let you leave when they love you & have built a life together. Do you think he’s just saying that to get his point across of not wanting anymore?
I’d be pretty gutted at that aswell, men just don’t understand at all. I don’t know what to suggest as he seems adamant, do you feel you can move on from this? x

 

[AngelUK]

Golly, he would "happily" let you go? I don't know but it doesn't sound supportive of you at all. IMO it is basically saying "my way or the high way", "accept it or leave". I would be devastated at those words on top of the finality. And to be honest I always hated that phrase "getting our life back". What was he leading then while your child was small? Was that NOT life?!
I am not sure what to suggest except maybe finding a counselor to talk with about how you are feeling and somehow work through it? I don't think it is something we as women with the desire for another child can just get to grips with and just get over with on our own.
I hope you can somehow find peace with the situation .

 

[bluebell]

Thanks both

I probably haven't given enough of the back story, we always said we'd have one child right from when we were young and so it was me that started to have a change of heart years ago, and he's been adamant throughout he doesn't want any more children. Also he was a fantastic SAHD with my son until he was at preschool so his experience of being a dad was very involved, and as much as he loves our son and has a great relationship with him, he has found parenthood extremely challenging and stressful at times.

We have no family living close so we had very little support outside the two of us which has meant we've had limited time together just the two of us as a couple. Where I've been totally happy to indulge in being mum, at home with our son (and would love nothing more than to experience it all again) my husband is excited and ready for us to move towards a time where we can enjoy our life with an older more independent child rather than our whole world revolving around having young children.

It was very hurtful to hear him say about him leaving me if this is what I truly want, and you are right he is very black or white, but he really was trying to convey how strongly against the idea he is. Also it was said in the sense that he would support me if that was my choice, not that he doesn't want us to be together but that he doesn't want to crush my dreams or have me resenting him forever more. Men can be so bloody rational though! As if it would just be as simple as him leaving and me meeting someone new and having another child with them lol My dream is for us to have another child, not break up our family and meet someone else to have a second child with!

I don't really know how I feel at the moment, it's good we've talked as there's been this underlying tension around this for a very long time and he's obviously made it completely clear what his stance is. But the biology of being a woman in her late 30s means that everything is screaming at me to reproduce before it's too late! I'm just going to try and take some time to digest what he's said and channel my energy into creating a new vision for what the next chapter of my life will entail. The one thing I'm certain of is I do not want our marriage to crumble and if I carry on as I am, that is what will happen

xx

 

[Lizzybee]

I have no words to help, but I 100% understand how you feel because I'm in the same situation.
Following for moral support

 

[AngelUK]

to both you!

 

[bluebell]

I have no words to help, but I 100% understand how you feel because I'm in the same situation.
Following for moral support

Sorry you’re dealing with the same

I feel a bit better since I spoke to my DH about everything, but my emotions are still all over the place. Doesn’t help that my DH can be insensitive to how I’m feeling, I know he’s delighted to be moving into this next phase of having an older, slightly more independent child but that doesn’t mean my desire to do it all again is any less

I just don’t think he gets how sad the situation makes me.

xx

 

[Lizzybee]

Same here. My DH was so kind the morning I was at my worst. He even seemed to be very upset that I felt we were both on different paths in our lives. However, come tea time, he was telling me about his mates wife being pregnant too. Really? He needed to tell me that day? So insensitive. I was so numb. I wish I could have cried or been mad songs could see my despair, but nothing came out.
Now all he blabs on about is the fact that he might not get so much time off because this person is going to take paternity, so he will have to cover. Arrrggghhhh!

 

[Lizzybee]

Just seen your ticker. Your LO is 4! Same as my LO.
Does yours ask for a sibling? That is probably one of the hardest conversations I've had. I want to say, no your dad doesn't want another, but obviously I cant do that.

 

[bluebell]

Men can be insensitive and rational at times. I know that’s a big generalisation and not all men are, but it seems common for men to just focus on practicalities whereas women are generally more guided by their emotions and hormones.

I haven’t changed my ticker for years, my son is actually 10 now. He has gone through periods when he asked for siblings but the phases didn’t last long and I was the same as you, I’ve never told him why he hasn’t got any. Now he’s older he loves being an only child but that’s mostly because he doesn’t know any different and he’s lucky in that he has loads of friends to knock about with and then enjoys his quiet time at home. He’s so lovely with little kids though, I think he’d make an amazing older brother if it ever happened.

Nothing has changed since I posted, my DH has made a few jokes about the situation but that tends to be his way of dealing with difficult subjects. I just think it’s all such a shame, he’s revelling in our LO growing up and I’m just gutted that I can’t experience the excitement and enjoyment of having a young child again. I’m 37 and still feel young at heart, our vision for how the next 10 years of our lives should be is totally different but I’m trying to stay focussed on the positives.

I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with the same, it’s rubbish

Xx