WantingababyF
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- May 14, 2018
- Messages
- 348
- Reaction score
- 301
Here I am, sat alone with my thoughts. Not knowing who to reach out too.
Maybe putting it in words will make this pain easier.
Yesterday I laboured my beautiful baby girl into this world. Tallulah is her name and forever will be.
What seemed like a routine scan turned into my loving nightmare. "no heartbeat" they said to me as I sobbed. I could tell my little girl was lifeless on the screen.
I knew in my heart I should have been feeling her. I felt too my bump had not grown in a couple of weeks, my tiredness and hunger subsided. I hoped that this was like my other pregnancies which were relatively easy.
Those words just shattered me into 1000 pieces. The last 18 month full of loss. I was beginning to relax, feeling like she was our take home bubby.
But no she had passed. The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind. Tablets to bring on labour, contractions just like a normal birth. I paced and paced until my waters went. I never felt that feeling with my boys. The ideal dream birth. I called no one in the hospital, no pain relief, no intervention. I wanted to feel every part of her birth. Not long after my first waters burst I felt another big burst. The maybe a minute late I felt her born. Into my underwear, I was so scared to squash her. All I wanted was to give her a dignified birth. I called my midwife and they helped cut her cord. My husband cradled me while I sobbed deeply into a pillow. She was here sleeping like a little angel. I help held her close to me, cared for her like my other children. I cannot belive those little finger and toes. Eye open looking deep into my soul. My Tallulah girl too precious for this world. I spent the next 24 hours with her before I finally had to say goodbye. A heartache that cannot be described. My life forever changed and so scared for what the future may hold. Loss number 4 in 18 months but by far the hardest.
I am trying to be strong for my little boys at home, too young to understand to precious to know the heartache of this world.
One day I hope I can recover from thus loss but today a dark dark tunnel with no light.
Fly high my beautiful girl , poppy will find you up there in the stars.
Maybe putting it in words will make this pain easier.
Yesterday I laboured my beautiful baby girl into this world. Tallulah is her name and forever will be.
What seemed like a routine scan turned into my loving nightmare. "no heartbeat" they said to me as I sobbed. I could tell my little girl was lifeless on the screen.
I knew in my heart I should have been feeling her. I felt too my bump had not grown in a couple of weeks, my tiredness and hunger subsided. I hoped that this was like my other pregnancies which were relatively easy.
Those words just shattered me into 1000 pieces. The last 18 month full of loss. I was beginning to relax, feeling like she was our take home bubby.
But no she had passed. The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind. Tablets to bring on labour, contractions just like a normal birth. I paced and paced until my waters went. I never felt that feeling with my boys. The ideal dream birth. I called no one in the hospital, no pain relief, no intervention. I wanted to feel every part of her birth. Not long after my first waters burst I felt another big burst. The maybe a minute late I felt her born. Into my underwear, I was so scared to squash her. All I wanted was to give her a dignified birth. I called my midwife and they helped cut her cord. My husband cradled me while I sobbed deeply into a pillow. She was here sleeping like a little angel. I help held her close to me, cared for her like my other children. I cannot belive those little finger and toes. Eye open looking deep into my soul. My Tallulah girl too precious for this world. I spent the next 24 hours with her before I finally had to say goodbye. A heartache that cannot be described. My life forever changed and so scared for what the future may hold. Loss number 4 in 18 months but by far the hardest.
I am trying to be strong for my little boys at home, too young to understand to precious to know the heartache of this world.
One day I hope I can recover from thus loss but today a dark dark tunnel with no light.
Fly high my beautiful girl , poppy will find you up there in the stars.