Broken the only way to describe a 17 week loss

Here I am, sat alone with my thoughts. Not knowing who to reach out too.
Maybe putting it in words will make this pain easier.
Yesterday I laboured my beautiful baby girl into this world. Tallulah is her name and forever will be.
What seemed like a routine scan turned into my loving nightmare. "no heartbeat" they said to me as I sobbed. I could tell my little girl was lifeless on the screen.
I knew in my heart I should have been feeling her. I felt too my bump had not grown in a couple of weeks, my tiredness and hunger subsided. I hoped that this was like my other pregnancies which were relatively easy.
Those words just shattered me into 1000 pieces. The last 18 month full of loss. I was beginning to relax, feeling like she was our take home bubby.
But no she had passed. The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind. Tablets to bring on labour, contractions just like a normal birth. I paced and paced until my waters went. I never felt that feeling with my boys. The ideal dream birth. I called no one in the hospital, no pain relief, no intervention. I wanted to feel every part of her birth. Not long after my first waters burst I felt another big burst. The maybe a minute late I felt her born. Into my underwear, I was so scared to squash her. All I wanted was to give her a dignified birth. I called my midwife and they helped cut her cord. My husband cradled me while I sobbed deeply into a pillow. She was here sleeping like a little angel. I help held her close to me, cared for her like my other children. I cannot belive those little finger and toes. Eye open looking deep into my soul. My Tallulah girl too precious for this world. I spent the next 24 hours with her before I finally had to say goodbye. A heartache that cannot be described. My life forever changed and so scared for what the future may hold. Loss number 4 in 18 months but by far the hardest.
I am trying to be strong for my little boys at home, too young to understand to precious to know the heartache of this world.
One day I hope I can recover from thus loss but today a dark dark tunnel with no light.
Fly high my beautiful girl , poppy will find you up there in the stars.

Hi Ladies.

Thank you for your kind words.
Tomorrow will mark a week since I gave birth to my sweet Tallulah girl. I received her cremation date today which will be this Friday the 10th. I really don't know how I will cope with that day, hubby went back to work way too fast. I know he is just trying to support us but we have savings and I wish he was here abit more.
I don't know that I feel any better from last week. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I have dreams/nightmares that I am still pregnant and feel phantom kicks.
In the most unhealthy way red wine has become my new best friend ( Something I know can't continue and big red flag for some major depression)
Although I don't wish this on anyone, I do wish I knew someone close to me could feel my pain and anger.
My little girls photos sit and blankets sit on my bedside, and I cannot bring myself to see or touch them.
The first night I slept with them but I lost them as I rolled and I hold them anymore thinking I will damage them.
I've painted on the brave face trying not to be that Debbie Downer but I lost our child. No one can comprehend that connection unless they have experienced it and that is not their fault.
We may not have ever got to know our little girl but she was still ours and so wanted and loved by us all.
My oldest boy only 4 mentioned that the baby girl in mummies belly is now in the sky with grandad, and it broke my heart. He told me not to be sad anymore and I try but it is so hard.
I am broken beyond words, beyond feeling and beyond care.
It not fair on our little ones that are part of this world, but I don't know how to pick myself up again.
Everything triggers me, I've cried so many tear more than I knew I had.
I hope this gets easier one day but for now all I have is flashbacks of that traumatising day. A day that change me and my husband forever.

Our Girl Tallulah, so precious, so tiny, so loved

josephine3 said:

Thinking of you xxx I hope it slowly gets easier I just can't imagine the pain xxx

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Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts. It is so hard and found here to be the only place I can voice my sadness without judgement or fear. It hurts so much and I have no clue as to when I will start to feel myself again.
I fear for my family, my marriage and my well-being. I am lucky that my husband supports me so much, but how long am I allowed to be sad for before people tell me to move on.
I don't want our Girl to be forgotten or her dismissed as our child. I know I never got to raise her but in our hearts she was our baby and we are parents to 3 children. I don't know that others( like my mum, my sisters, brothers) understand that. I have grieved so much in the last few years. I don't know that we can handle much more grief.