Need advice so bad

[Kiwiberry]

Okay so long story short, and my previous relationship I was in a pretty abusive toxic relationship for 5 years. I had two kids with this person my daughter and my son. I was in that relationship so long because I felt stuck, I felt like I had no way out. Well obviously I did have a way out because I'm free now and no longer have to suffer with that. However, my son is really struggling with it. He's very happy and it doesn't seem to bother him on the surface, however sometimes he gives me random questions about his biological father or he brings up that he thinks his biological father will be coming back. The problem is, I don't think his biological dad actually wants to be a father and probably won't ever be back. He's not even trying to look for a job, he's just too busy playing video games and doing whatever it is he wants to do. He could care less about his kids honestly. He always comes up with excuses and is a very manipulative person. Anyway what I'm trying to get at is I really need some help on what to tell my son or how to tell my son. He seems to really have it stuck in his head about his dad and I don't know what to do about it. I'm sorry if this seems like I didn't write this out properly or put much thought, I just woke up so I hope this is coherent.

I wish my son could forget that his dad even existed but I know that's not possible. For reference my son will be 5 years old in january.

 

[Fuchsia1412]

Kiwi this is such a difficult situation, traumatising for you and I'm so glad you're out of it. I don't have any any personal experience, but wanted to recommend you a very good FB group - whether you want honesty, advice, a rant, solidarity - you'll get it there for situations like this. It's called bridging the gap. There are a lot of ladies who've gotten out of very toxic/abusive relationships and are healing and looking for ways to move forward. X x

 

[DobbyForever]

This is long sorry.

I'm glad that you were able to get both you and your children out of that situation. It's not an easy thing to do. I do have personal experience, but every child is different and I left when my son was very young. What little interactions he had with his father up until their last visit when he was 11 months old were deeply unpleasant for him. So just want to preface this with every child is different, and my son is still young (6). My son has asked "where is Daddy" twice in his life. Both after he started school and usually because he's watching something that features dads. I just tell him his dad lives somewhere else, and that's enough of an answer for him.

1. Therapy for your son. Get your son a therapist, even if you just ask his school to get him working with a chac/guidance counselor at school... he needs a safe, neutral place to share his thoughts without worrying about upsetting your or the balance your family has. Just make sure it's play based therapy at this age.

2. Therapy for you. Not just for you because of what you went through, but connect to a child neuropsych. They can offer parent consultation to answer questions exactly like this. The school can help, but you're really better off going through insurance if you have it. I find they have more time and knowledge/resources.

The general advice I have gotten from every child psych for various situations was the same: be honest, be clear (avoid euphemisms or flowery language to soften the blow), it's okay to speak positively of his dad if there are positives because his dad is a part of him.

3. Support system. The cortisol levels and adverse childhood experiences can be decreased when children have 3 or more people outside of their household who they trust. In the case when a dad is missing, having those be men can be so invaluable. My son was TERRIFIED of men, but through repeated positive interactions with non-familial men (coaches) he overcame that. Part of why my son doesn't yearn for his father or that side of his family is because he has a huge support network. My parents are close, physically and emotionally. My three brothers and I had a talk when I left his dad that I am going to need them to be strong male role models for my son. When he was an infant, we did a mommy and me gym class and two of his coaches were males. His current principal is male. A handful of his behaviorists (he has autism so he's had a 1-1 behaviorist at school since he was like 3) were males. We visit my grandparents a few times a year, and my dad was one of five boys so when we go he's got his great-grandpa and all his great uncles. Now, 2 of his 6 coaches are males. He has friends at school and outside of school. Basically, the kid is surrounded all day every day by people who care about him and pour into him.

4. Read the book "Raising Sons of Promise" by Roland Warren. It's written by a son of a single mother, and I found it really helpful.

5. Keep him busy! My son and I don't have time to worry about his dad because we're too busy haha. Aside from spending time with my family weekly, he works with horses once a week, has adaptive swimming twice a week, and adaptive PE once a week. We keep memberships to a few zoos and aquariums for day trips on weekends.

6. Talk to his school if you haven't already. You don't have to share the abuse if you don't want to. I did because there was a DVRO involved and I think it's important to understand my son's trauma background. But also just to make sure they are being inclusive in their methodology and addressing familial structure biases as they arise. Also, most schools skip Father's Day because it's so late in June but I always remind my son's teachers (especially when he was in year round preschool) that he does not make a Father's Day gift for his dad because his dad isn't part of his life. He makes it for his grandfather or uncles.

7. It's okay to be positive. This was hard for me because the abuse I went through. But your son will always see his dad as a part of him. Don't glorify him, especially if there's a danger to them having a relationship. But having the psych tell me it's okay for me to say things like "you're athletic just like your dad and me" or "your eyes look like your dad's". I keep our photos because one day my son may want to see them. If you don't satisfy that curiosity, they may seek it out one day. I also have all the court documents and, one day when he's much older, I will share those with him if he wants. On the flip side, you want to avoid negativity because an attack on his dad can be seen as an attack on him. And there's some things kids don't need to know.

I actually get more questions about his missing dad from his friends than him. I just tell them the same things because he's usually around. His dad and I are not together, and they usually say oh you're divorced and I don't see a need to correct them lol. They ask where he is, and I say he lives in a different city. They ask why we're divorced. And depending on my mood, I tell them to MYOB! Lol I say it nicely though. Teachable moment. I plan to just tell my son, if and when he asks, that his dad was not kind to me. Short and sweet. For me, the focus isn't on what he did. It's what I want my son to take away. Leave a relationship where you don't feel safe and respected. Be a partner that treats their partner with respectful and kindness.

In terms of answering why he specifically isn't around much or at all, definitely avoid saying he doesn't want to be or blaming him for not caring/playing video games. Shift the conversation by validating that he isn't around and shifting to how your son feels. But think about the questions or comments that come up and pre-plan a response is a huge tip I got from the psych.
ie
DS: Why don't I get to see my dad?
You: I know that you haven't seen him in a while. How do you feel about that?
Then go into what we can do with those feelings.

If there is a chance to coparent and you think he'd actually be a positive addition to your kids lives, then by all means coparent. But I went for full custody and I have no regrets. My son was a wreck after every visit with him even though they were professionally supervised.

 

[DobbyForever]

Me again. Sorry had to shower haha. The other thing you need to be cautious of is that stepparent dynamic. I noticed that your sig mentioned you are pregnant with your partner's first child. My dad died when I was four, and my stepdad has been in my life since I was 5.5. I idolized him at first because he was so kind and blah blah. Then my mom had the twins, and I realized over time how different his dynamic was with them and myself. So if your OH is doting on you over your pregnancy and it being his first biokid, he needs to be careful not to show any bias. Your daughters have you and each other, but your son doesn't have male siblings in the house. He could also be a great tool for those moments where your son says things like I wish I had Dad to do x,y,z and his stepdad can do x,y,z. I know it's harder because your son's dad is still alive and tangible to him versus my dad was dead and frankly an amazing dad.

I will also say you gotta grain of salt on this because I rarely date lol. And definitely have yet to meet a guy I'd bring home to my son.

 

[Kiwiberry]

Me again. Sorry had to shower haha. The other thing you need to be cautious of is that stepparent dynamic. I noticed that your sig mentioned you are pregnant with your partner's first child. My dad died when I was four, and my stepdad has been in my life since I was 5.5. I idolized him at first because he was so kind and blah blah. Then my mom had the twins, and I realized over time how different his dynamic was with them and myself. So if your OH is doting on you over your pregnancy and it being his first biokid, he needs to be careful not to show any bias. Your daughters have you and each other, but your son doesn't have male siblings in the house. He could also be a great tool for those moments where your son says things like I wish I had Dad to do x,y,z and his stepdad can do x,y,z. I know it's harder because your son's dad is still alive and tangible to him versus my dad was dead and frankly an amazing dad.

I will also say you gotta grain of salt on this because I rarely date lol. And definitely have yet to meet a guy I'd bring home to my son.

I read everything and right now I'm a little strapped for time so I'm only going to give a quick tidbit of information, there is no chance that my son can have a relationship with his father because his father is not someone I want my son growing up to be. His father still doesn't see the abuse and everything is a problem he doesn't even think there's anything wrong and he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior towards my son either. That right there is a huge red flag it means he'll never be able to change and honestly I thought him not being able to see his kids for the few months that he has not been able to see them would change him but it hasn't. I'll comment more later when I have some time but just know he's really just not a good person and I'd rather not have my son be influenced by someone like that.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I'm going to respond here shortly to everything else you mentioned in detail and thank you so much for replying and offering support.

 

[DobbyForever]

No need to reply if you’re busy. Just hoping some of that was helpful.

Also side note when you say hasn’t been allowed, do you mean you’ve said no? Because legally you don’t have authority to deny him equal access to his kids without a legal custody agreement. So if it’s in writing that he’s made requests and you’ve said no, if you ever go to court then he can say you are alienating him. So just cover yourself.

 

[Kiwiberry]

No need to reply if you’re busy. Just hoping some of that was helpful.

Also side note when you say hasn’t been allowed, do you mean you’ve said no? Because legally you don’t have authority to deny him equal access to his kids without a legal custody agreement. So if it’s in writing that he’s made requests and you’ve said no, if you ever go to court then he can say you are alienating him. So just cover yourself.

Him not seeing his kids or being involved has nothing to do with me. I didn't stop anything I just didn't encourage it either because I want him to step up and do what he wants and not something that I had an influence on. He's not even in the same state anymore. He's been gone for 4 months now, and still hasn't made any effort to contact them.

 

[Kiwiberry]

More than anything I wanted him to change I wanted him to see the error of his ways and start being a better parent to my two youngest children. I was hoping that everything that's happened up until this point especially since he no longer has me to take care of him that he would step up to the plate because he loved his children and that love would motivate him to do better. However, that doesn't seem to be the case. He's a very fake person, he's what I would consider a narcissist. I can't even trust anything that he says because most of the time he's just Faking It. I've come to terms with the fact that he'll never be the father that I want for my two youngest children now I'm just dealing with the aftermath and the consequences that it has on my son.

 

[JuniBjones]

I wish I could I could give you some good advise,but @DobbyForever already gave you some solid advise . I hope that with time your son sees your parter more as a dad then his biological farther .I had a step dad most of my life and I call him dad ever since I was 6 years old my mom and dad divorced when I was 4 so I remember him but I never saw him after that . He later added me on fb years later when I was 18 . he had another family and 3 others kids after but I never saw them and don’t plan to . I see my step dad as my dad he was always there for me and my mom and that’s all that really mattered to me.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I wish I could I could give you some good advise,but @DobbyForever already gave you some solid advise . I hope that with time your son sees your parter more as a dad then his biological farther .I had a step dad most of my life and I call him dad ever since I was 6 years old my mom and dad divorced when I was 4 so I remember him but I never saw him after that . He later added me on fb years later when I was 18 . he had another family and 3 others kids after but I never saw them and don’t plan to . I see my step dad as my dad he was always there for me and my mom and that’s all that really mattered to me.

I hope so too, Q has made a really big difference in his life. He's helped him through a lot and a lot of the negative Tendencies my son used to have are mostly gone now. He's even started to use his manners and we've replaced negative words with more gentle ones, he's thriving honestly and very attached to Q.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I'm going to write a bigger response when I get on my computer later. Typing all this out on a phone is difficult.

 

[Kiwiberry]

Kiwi this is such a difficult situation, traumatising for you and I'm so glad you're out of it. I don't have any any personal experience, but wanted to recommend you a very good FB group - whether you want honesty, advice, a rant, solidarity - you'll get it there for situations like this. It's called bridging the gap. There are a lot of ladies who've gotten out of very toxic/abusive relationships and are healing and looking for ways to move forward. X x

Thank you so much for pointing me to that group. I normally don't use FB groups much but I will check it out for sure.

This is long sorry.

I'm glad that you were able to get both you and your children out of that situation. It's not an easy thing to do. I do have personal experience, but every child is different and I left when my son was very young. What little interactions he had with his father up until their last visit when he was 11 months old were deeply unpleasant for him. So just want to preface this with every child is different, and my son is still young (6). My son has asked "where is Daddy" twice in his life. Both after he started school and usually because he's watching something that features dads. I just tell him his dad lives somewhere else, and that's enough of an answer for him.

1. Therapy for your son. Get your son a therapist, even if you just ask his school to get him working with a chac/guidance counselor at school... he needs a safe, neutral place to share his thoughts without worrying about upsetting your or the balance your family has. Just make sure it's play based therapy at this age.

2. Therapy for you. Not just for you because of what you went through, but connect to a child neuropsych. They can offer parent consultation to answer questions exactly like this. The school can help, but you're really better off going through insurance if you have it. I find they have more time and knowledge/resources.

The general advice I have gotten from every child psych for various situations was the same: be honest, be clear (avoid euphemisms or flowery language to soften the blow), it's okay to speak positively of his dad if there are positives because his dad is a part of him.

3. Support system. The cortisol levels and adverse childhood experiences can be decreased when children have 3 or more people outside of their household who they trust. In the case when a dad is missing, having those be men can be so invaluable. My son was TERRIFIED of men, but through repeated positive interactions with non-familial men (coaches) he overcame that. Part of why my son doesn't yearn for his father or that side of his family is because he has a huge support network. My parents are close, physically and emotionally. My three brothers and I had a talk when I left his dad that I am going to need them to be strong male role models for my son. When he was an infant, we did a mommy and me gym class and two of his coaches were males. His current principal is male. A handful of his behaviorists (he has autism so he's had a 1-1 behaviorist at school since he was like 3) were males. We visit my grandparents a few times a year, and my dad was one of five boys so when we go he's got his great-grandpa and all his great uncles. Now, 2 of his 6 coaches are males. He has friends at school and outside of school. Basically, the kid is surrounded all day every day by people who care about him and pour into him.

4. Read the book "Raising Sons of Promise" by Roland Warren. It's written by a son of a single mother, and I found it really helpful.

5. Keep him busy! My son and I don't have time to worry about his dad because we're too busy haha. Aside from spending time with my family weekly, he works with horses once a week, has adaptive swimming twice a week, and adaptive PE once a week. We keep memberships to a few zoos and aquariums for day trips on weekends.

6. Talk to his school if you haven't already. You don't have to share the abuse if you don't want to. I did because there was a DVRO involved and I think it's important to understand my son's trauma background. But also just to make sure they are being inclusive in their methodology and addressing familial structure biases as they arise. Also, most schools skip Father's Day because it's so late in June but I always remind my son's teachers (especially when he was in year round preschool) that he does not make a Father's Day gift for his dad because his dad isn't part of his life. He makes it for his grandfather or uncles.

7. It's okay to be positive. This was hard for me because the abuse I went through. But your son will always see his dad as a part of him. Don't glorify him, especially if there's a danger to them having a relationship. But having the psych tell me it's okay for me to say things like "you're athletic just like your dad and me" or "your eyes look like your dad's". I keep our photos because one day my son may want to see them. If you don't satisfy that curiosity, they may seek it out one day. I also have all the court documents and, one day when he's much older, I will share those with him if he wants. On the flip side, you want to avoid negativity because an attack on his dad can be seen as an attack on him. And there's some things kids don't need to know.

I actually get more questions about his missing dad from his friends than him. I just tell them the same things because he's usually around. His dad and I are not together, and they usually say oh you're divorced and I don't see a need to correct them lol. They ask where he is, and I say he lives in a different city. They ask why we're divorced. And depending on my mood, I tell them to MYOB! Lol I say it nicely though. Teachable moment. I plan to just tell my son, if and when he asks, that his dad was not kind to me. Short and sweet. For me, the focus isn't on what he did. It's what I want my son to take away. Leave a relationship where you don't feel safe and respected. Be a partner that treats their partner with respectful and kindness.

In terms of answering why he specifically isn't around much or at all, definitely avoid saying he doesn't want to be or blaming him for not caring/playing video games. Shift the conversation by validating that he isn't around and shifting to how your son feels. But think about the questions or comments that come up and pre-plan a response is a huge tip I got from the psych.
ie
DS: Why don't I get to see my dad?
You: I know that you haven't seen him in a while. How do you feel about that?
Then go into what we can do with those feelings.

If there is a chance to coparent and you think he'd actually be a positive addition to your kids lives, then by all means coparent. But I went for full custody and I have no regrets. My son was a wreck after every visit with him even though they were professionally supervised.

Thank you for all this lovely advice. Therapy is a great idea for my son, i will be looking into it. Right now he's not in school, because of his age he goes to school next year. I am excited to get him started witht he school system because they were a wonderful help with my daughter who has ADHD, and my son has it as well. I almost guarantee that I can get pointed in the right direction of where to start therapy wise once I get him in the door. If I tried outside of school, it's a little harder. In my area at least there's like 1-2 year waiting lists if went through the pediatricians. I can probably look at early intervention and see what they have to offer in regards to my son.

As for how often he brings it up, it's at least 2-3 times a week if not more. It's usually really heart wrenching things liket hat his dad is coming back and will bring him all these toys. It's because his dad mentioned those things before he left for good. The problem is, I know he doesn't actually mean it, and I know i own't happen. His dad actually thought I'd agree to waiting 4-5 years then letting him have them, all while not seeing them or doing much of anything. He seriously has a very selfish mindset. I'm giving him a little longer to see if he will change his mind and start stepping up, but I honestly highly doubt it. So my next move is to completely remove him from their lives since he doesn't want to be in it anyway and I want to prepare what to say to my son. For now I've just been telling him that sometimes people say they're going to do things but don't actually do them or want to do them, in reference to why his dad has not called or came to see him.

He also knows that Q is not his father, but I told him that Q cares about him very much and all we want is for him to be happy.

A little backstory but Q was actually the one who helped me get out of that situation. If it wasn't for him, I fear I'd still be stuck in it.

 

[NDH]

I wish I could I could give you some good advise,but @DobbyForever already gave you some solid advise . I hope that with time your son sees your parter more as a dad then his biological farther .I had a step dad most of my life and I call him dad ever since I was 6 years old my mom and dad divorced when I was 4 so I remember him but I never saw him after that . He later added me on fb years later when I was 18 . he had another family and 3 others kids after but I never saw them and don’t plan to . I see my step dad as my dad he was always there for me and my mom and that’s all that really mattered to me.

@Kiwiberry I don't have any personal experience with this kind of situation so can't give any advice, but I just want to say that my heart really goes out to you and especially your son.
And to piggyback of Juni, I want to add that my husband's best friend was raised by a step dad who he sees as his dad. His mom and step dad split up shortly after he graduated high school and he's still close with his step dad today. He had little to no contact with his bio dad in his growing up years and does still have some contact with him, but it's his step dad that he sees as his father (and when he and his wife named their boys after their fathers, it was his step dad who got the honour and not his bio dad, even though they ended up with a third boy and could have used his name too).

 

[DobbyForever]

Gotcha. That's good, I was worried for a second with the wording. You're right, it's not your job to teach him to be a parent. There will be times that you may have to be the bigger person, but if he has moved and doesn't attempt contact then there's only so much you can do.

I'm glad the school system is working for you! I'd reach out. I'm not sure where you are, but I know in the US we have early childhood programs. So school districts or regional centers can evaluate and provide services, behavioral not just academic, as early as 3 years old. I'd also tell you that when I've had my son evaluated for ASD/ADHD, I was told that in young kids trauma can present as ASD or ADHD.

That's awesome that his stepdad is such an active role in his life, and they have a good bond. This is all pretty new for the kids. You're putting a lot of energy into making sure he is happy and safe, and that will pay off. Just keep doing what you doing.

As far as the broken promises. I'd just be careful with making statements like he's promising to do things but doesn't actually want to do them or doesn't mean it. It carries a negative tone to it or your son can interpret it as "my dad doesn't want to call me". While that may be true because if he wanted to he would, that's a lot of rejection for a 5 year old. I was told that sometimes it's okay to say I don't know why.
DS: Why hasn't my dad come to visit me?
Mom: It's okay to wonder about that, but I don't know the answer. How do you feel about it? I can see that you feel _. Sometimes I feel _ about it, too. Is there anything I can do to help you with your big feelings?
Listen. Validate. Hug a lot. Try not to make excuses for or accusations against his dad. Reaffirm that he can always come to you or your OH when he's feeling sad. Continue setting the example on your end that words/actions matter. What she had told me was that kids don't actually want answers. They want to be heard and validated.

Good parents worry that they're not doing right by their kids. It will take time. You're doing great. But it's still a fresh wound really. I'm not sure when you left him, but if you had DD with him two years ago then DS is still going to be in that adjustment period. I think after a visit gone wrong with his dad, DS slept with me for like 2 years until we were both suffering from not sleeping well. And he's still very sensitive to people yelling or being angry. It's a day by day operation.

 

[Kiwiberry]

Gotcha. That's good, I was worried for a second with the wording. You're right, it's not your job to teach him to be a parent. There will be times that you may have to be the bigger person, but if he has moved and doesn't attempt contact then there's only so much you can do.

I'm glad the school system is working for you! I'd reach out. I'm not sure where you are, but I know in the US we have early childhood programs. So school districts or regional centers can evaluate and provide services, behavioral not just academic, as early as 3 years old. I'd also tell you that when I've had my son evaluated for ASD/ADHD, I was told that in young kids trauma can present as ASD or ADHD.

That's awesome that his stepdad is such an active role in his life, and they have a good bond. This is all pretty new for the kids. You're putting a lot of energy into making sure he is happy and safe, and that will pay off. Just keep doing what you doing.

As far as the broken promises. I'd just be careful with making statements like he's promising to do things but doesn't actually want to do them or doesn't mean it. It carries a negative tone to it or your son can interpret it as "my dad doesn't want to call me". While that may be true because if he wanted to he would, that's a lot of rejection for a 5 year old. I was told that sometimes it's okay to say I don't know why.
DS: Why hasn't my dad come to visit me?
Mom: It's okay to wonder about that, but I don't know the answer. How do you feel about it? I can see that you feel _. Sometimes I feel _ about it, too. Is there anything I can do to help you with your big feelings?
Listen. Validate. Hug a lot. Try not to make excuses for or accusations against his dad. Reaffirm that he can always come to you or your OH when he's feeling sad. Continue setting the example on your end that words/actions matter. What she had told me was that kids don't actually want answers. They want to be heard and validated.

Good parents worry that they're not doing right by their kids. It will take time. You're doing great. But it's still a fresh wound really. I'm not sure when you left him, but if you had DD with him two years ago then DS is still going to be in that adjustment period. I think after a visit gone wrong with his dad, DS slept with me for like 2 years until we were both suffering from not sleeping well. And he's still very sensitive to people yelling or being angry. It's a day by day operation.

I want to tell my son that I think none of what his father promised is going to actually happen, but instead I've just told him that it might happen. That's what led to the original conversation I had with my son about empty promises. It's hard watching him be so excited when he talks about it and he mentions it at least once a week, only to know myself that it won't happen.

The other half and I are planning the best Christmas for the kids this year. I'm so excited. Halloween is going to be a lot of fun as well. He has that along with many other fun things to help keep him distracted for a bit.

What's also really hard is 50% of the time he talks about his father negatively. It wasn't anything that I've said, or influence, it was his own personal feelings towards certain things that had happened. It's so hard watching my son be so torn over his dad.

 

[Jules8]

This is a hard situation. On one hand he deserves the truth so he doesn’t get his hopes up, but on the other hand he’s so young that it’s hard to explain it in a way he understands. He probably sees other kids with their dads and dads on tv so no matter how distracted you keep him or how great your OH stands in, he knows he has a dad and has an expectation in his head of how his dad should act. I also think saying it might happen keeps his hopes up. Kids have no sense of time so a few days fees like a month. I would maybe say, “ I know it’s hard that your daddy isn’t doing the things he promised and things are different, but right now daddy lives somewhere else and can’t fulfill his promise do the things he says. I hope that one day he can, but I just don’t have an answer to when at this time. Just know we are always here to talk and love you very much.” I’m sure you may have to have that conversation a few times. There’s def a mourning period because he probably has a picture of how things should be in his head. I’m not sure if they ever talk, but I mean, I might tell his dad that he can talk to him but not to discuss plans to visit or give him things. Only to talk to you about it.

I’m a grown up and my dad changed out of nowhere. As much as I still love my dad and have a good life, sometimes it hits me and I get upset that things aren’t the way they used to be. It hurts and I miss it. I can only imagine how he feels. Poor kid.