My heartbreak ....missed miscarriage at 11 weeks and 3 days

I am completely heartbroken.
On Friday (July 8th) I just turned 12 weeks with our surprise baby. The Monday the 4th of July...I went to my regular scheduled appointment and everything was fine. Baby was so incredibly active and the heartbeat nice and strong.
Thursday the 7th of July I had some extremely light spotting. So Friday my OBGYN wanted to just check and make sure everything is OK with the little one. Truly thought it would be the spotting had stopped and I had no pain or cramps or anything....still don't. But turned out Baby no longer had a heartbeat and no movement.
Truly felt like my heart cracked right in two.
The hardest part was telling our boys. They've been praying for a baby sister and everyone felt like our prayers were answered with this baby. I feel like something broke deep within.
Sunday I'm scheduled for the removal unless I start naturally miscarring at home. and I'm terrified and just broken hearted.

Today is Monday the 11th of July.
I have been sitting in the hospital since Sunday afternoon. They've gotten all the blood and urine samples that they need. They also did another ultrasound which only confirmed that baby has passed on to Jesus's arms.
Today I have one more ultrasound scheduled. They want to be triple sure before doing the MVA procedure. I've asked over and over to be allowed to go through this naturally with the help of pills but no my OBGYN won't prescribe them and neither will anyone else. My biggest comfort would be knowing that I could hold my perfect tiny baby before putting her (I believe it's a girl) to rest. But it's not happening.
Here the procedure is done under full anesthesia and within 2 hours if your ok you get to go back home.

I wish by some miracle that they might find a heartbeat and I could wake up from this nightmare. My entire being desires this. But deep down inside i know it won't happen. And it breaks me in two.

Last night my kids called ( I have 3 little boys. ) and my youngest age 5 said "mommy is baby being good?" It brought me to tears. They already loved this little one soooo much. There were numerous belly hugs and prayers for our little one all day from his siblings. Telling them was beyond heartbreaking. It devastated me. And yet my youngest can't seem to accept that baby is no longer here.

I just keep telling myself if I can get through this day. This most painful day. Then I will make it through the next and the next and so on.

My doctor finally managed to explain the sort of miscarriage i had. A missed miscarriage. No symptoms besides that small amount of spotting. No pain no cramps or backaches. And no other spotting or bleeding.
Which is probably why it's so hard to wrap my head around this. There are no miscarriage symptoms so my body keeps going like it's fully pregnant. It messes with the brain. Makes it harder to accept.

tdog said:

Hey love I went through the exact same thing on 21st June I was spotting the same as you no cramps no nothing, they booked me for a emergency scan at nearly 11 weeks, there to be told baby was measuring 7 weeks and no heart beat I had a scan few week prior to this at 8+5 and baby had a heartbeat and everything, like you I couldn't figure out why was it me what did I do it broke me to the point the partners face was annoying the hell out of me, I had a d&c to remove baby on the 24th June got home lost broken the feeling of emptiness is real, if you need to talk love I'm here just a message away xx

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I am sending you the biggest hug! I am so sorry you experienced that and thank you for the offer of talking if I ever need to ill definitely message you.

Yes it definitely breaks you and finding a way to put all the pieces somehow back together is exhausting. But I take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. And somehow, I don't know how but somehow it'll start to be more manageable.

Suggerhoney said:

I know I’ve had a lot of losses but a mmc is just the cruelest. Ure body still thinking it’s pregnant. Unbearable.
My heart goes out to both of you.

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I am so incredibly sorry you've experienced so much loss. I think each miscarriage is cruel in its own way...but having your body still feeling like your pregnant and your mind struggling to adjust to the idea that your not is just unbearable.

Shezza84uk said:

I’m so sorry, I experienced a missed miscarriage and it’s one of the most heart breaking experiences I’ve ever had.

sending so much love

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Thank you! I'm sorry you went through that . It truly is heart breaking.

Well. Monday turned out just as I thought it would. Though with my entire being I hoped and prayed it wouldn't.
The last ultrasound was performed at 11:15. And my OBGYN was so kind and let me see the screen. Let me convince and reassure myself that truly there was no chance of life there.
We then immediately proceeded downstairs to the basement to the operating rooms. They asked me to wait for a few minutes in a little room of to the side of the operating room. And in that little time... I did the most difficult thing I had to do. I prayed and thanked God for the 12 weeks of time I had with my baby. I asked Him to please watch over her and take care of her. And to watch over me during the procedure so that all would go well. I said good-bye to my baby girl.

Immediately after they told me to come to the operating room. And I'm telling you walking myself in there and seating myself on that chair was the hardest physical act I had to do. It felt like I was willingly giving up. Mentally I knew this was for the best that I had done everything I could and there was nothing left to do. But emotionally I felt like I was giving up a fight. And I hated every second of that.

The procedure started at 12 on the dot. And at 12:20 they woke me up enough to move me off the table and into a wheelchair. I can't remember much except that they kept telling me to keep my eyes open. Within minutes I was back in my room. They had me stand up two nurses (one front and one back) helped me up. I can't remember anything except for that the guy in front had yellow pants . They had me lay down on my side without a pillow. And a nurse tucked me in like a child and told me "now you can rest. You've been brave enough". As soon as she closed the door. The most heartbreaking sobs that literally seemed to come from the depths of my soul exited me. It was so good to be able to cry like that. Strangely though within seconds I fell asleep .
I think my body was trying to resist going back to sleep though because 10 minutes later I woke up sobbing again. Grabbed my phone and called my husband and just said it's done. Baby's with Jesus. And I'm sleeping.
Followed by a phone call to my mom letting her know I was ok .
I slept after that for another 30 minutes and then my roommate who had also just had a MVA was brought into the room and we cried together .

At 2:20 pm. I asked for my OBGYN to come and check on me so I could go home. She did a routine ultrasound and advised me to rest for 3 days and schedule an follow up appointment in 2 weeks. At 3pm I walked out of that hospital and returned home.
A part of my heart will forever be with my little girl.

I saw a beautiful saying that just seems so perfect to me.

" I carried you every second of your life.
And I will love you for every second of mine."

Bevziibubble said:

I'm so sorry

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LadyLovenox said:

Oh my goodness. Big prayers for you, mama! I'm so sorry you had to go through that

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lomelindi17 said:

@Mommy_Joy I’m so sorry for your loss and wishing you peace and comfort in the days ahead. Sending huge hugs

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Suggerhoney said:

Oh my love I’m sat hear sobbing. Literally crying so hard.
My heart is actually broken for you and I am so sad and so sorry this has happened to you.

I lost my first baby at 10+4 weeks. And going in for that op is so so hard.
All my other 8 loses have been early. Still heart wrenching and painful but to go even further and be told that horrible news it’s absolutely heart shattering.
You are in my thoughts love and prayers too.

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tdog said:

Oh my gosh love this brought so much back for me the heartbreak I'm so so sorry they also let me see the screen aswell I was the same as you I needed to convince my head that baby was intact no longer with us, that's all I've been doing is taking each day as it comes that's all we can do love sending much needed healing love your way xx

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Thank you all for the sweet heartfelt messages. I appreciate it so much. I had to take a breath and just take time to bring my heart around as well as my head.

Hubby and i decided we would start trying again as soon as i felt better and was told all was ok.

Well funny thing exactly 2 weeks and 3 days later i was approved to BDing and told all was fine. Thank God for that! I had read so many posts about people having stuff left over inside.
Well on that day I also had a very positive LH test and my OBGYN also had me take a pregnancy test to just check that HCG was on its way down. It was definitely down. My tests was stark white.
Came home we BD'ed both that day and the next. And on 9dpo i had a faint positive. That got stronger for 3 days. Then for some reason i thought let me take another LH test....it was still two lines but definitely no longer positive. I thought it was strange to have 2 lines so i kept taking one every day.
Well.....the LH tests started progressively gettting stronger to the point that the test line was WAY darker then the control line....but my pregnancy tests started fading.
I figured my body was re-ovulating or something so i just kept taking tests to see what was going on. (I had no more pregnancy tests so i just tracked my LH to see what was happening) .
It stayed very VERY positive for 2 days then started fading. On 5dpo ...this time around my pregancy tests arrived and i went and took one. Line took a while but it appearef but super super faint. 6dpo took another definitely appeared but again VERY faint.

I cannot understand what in the world happened. But if you would like to follow along ill be starting a new thread in the proper section.



I thank all of you from the deepest parts of my heart for the support you showed me. I didnt have any of that in real life from people around me. Except for my husband and best friend. My mother when she heard i miscarried told me to stop crying because it was Gods will and many others did as well.

Then when i did stop crying and i adjusted and accepted my loss people started judging me for getting over my loss so quickly. And calling me heartless.

The worst was from a SIL of mine who told me that my loss was insignificant and not even a true loss. (She lost her baby at 16weeks) years ago. And that i should stop trying to get compassion and milking the spotlight.

Hand on my heart i never brought up my loss unless specifically asked how i was dealing with it and even then i avoided opening up because i knew people truly dont care.

As for the God thing....yes God knew what he was doing and he did all of it for "my and babys best". There are so many reasons He could have had for taking our baby.
One good thing that came out of it is that hubby no longer is against having kids. He realized what he missed out and hes excited to try and enjoy every step of the journey. He has become such an attentive and gentle husband through all of this and i praise God for the change in him.

TTC After Loss. Heading for Our Rainbow Baby.

Here ya go. Should take you right over to my new thread.