Waiting to Miscarry

Suggerhoney said:

So sadly I find myself here again.
I know many of you know me on here but I just need somewhere I can write my feelings, and as I’m going to lose this baby I thought here is the right place.

Hey lovely, I had an early loss in February i think I was 4 weeks 4 days, it took about a week for me to start bleeding. I definitely don’t think you should stop trying, they say you are more fertile after a loss which for me rang true when


This will be my 9th loss in total.
I lost my first baby at nearly 11 weeks after seeing it on ultrasound with a HB.

I then went on to have a chemical pregnancy in 2005.

in 2009 me and my now DH got together.
In 2010 I had another chemical pregnancy.
We then fell with our son 3 months later.

our DD was next when Ds was just 15 months old.
we then had another little boy in 2019.

in 2020 we started trying again but sadly I had 4 chemicals in the space of 7 months.
April, June, July and October 2020.
Was about to give up all hope and then we fell with our youngest on cycle 11.


New I wanted one more from 3 weeks pp.
Spoke with a doctor who told us we would have to start ttc strait away as I was coming up to 42. but was only 9 weeks pp so was too soon.
Anyway in February I came off BC (mini pill) and we started ttc again.
In April I had another chemical pregnancy.
All my losses I’ve had extremely heavy bleeding but that one in April was so heavy I was nearly passing out. I only made it to 4 weeks.
Fast forward to a week ago and 4th month ttc and i get faint lines on evening of 10dpo.
Everyday my lines have got darker but seemed to stall at 14dpo.
Then at 16 and 17 dpo I did a digital and being over 4 weeks pregnant I was hoping for a 2-3 but only got. 1-2.
Did a bunch of ICs and they were a tad darker than the previous day.
So thought maybe dodgy CB.

18dpo today and was hoping for a line stealer like I got with my last too sons at 15dpo.

unfortunately my lines are very very faint.
Today was the day I found out I’m going to lose this baby.
I am Almost 5 weeks pregnant.
Had zero symptoms with this pregnancy apart from implantation pain at 8dpo.
and with all my healthy pregnancies I had symptoms by now so the no symptoms had me worried alot. but tests kept getting darker so just was hoping they would come later.

I am so heartbroken and sad and have cried all day.
I can’t eat and I can’t sleep I’m just broken.

I now have to wait to bleed and tests to turn negative.

I am 43 this coming December and feel like this baby was my last chance.

part of me wants to stop ttc for fear of this happening again and again.
But another part of me knows we have to still try. Because one day I won’t be able to get pregnant anymore.

It seems I’m very firtile still even at the age of 42.
But here we are again having yet another loss.
It seems I can fall pregnant but it’s the staying pregnant.

When I had the 4 losses in 2020 I had a bunch of tests done and all came back normal.
I had a recurrent miscarriage doctor reduce me to tears after my 4 losses.
I was 40 and he blamed my age and old eggs.

So I don’t want to go down that route again. I don’t even want them knowing we have been ttc. I’m 42 now and I know my age will get the blame again.
So it has to happen naturally or not at all.

so sorry for the long post.

anyone know when I will start bleeding?
Even tho I know I will feel heartbroken all over again. But just want it out the way so we can start trying again. Even tho right now I feel like giving up.

I pray this never happens again and the next one is our take home rainbow.

so sorry mummy couldn’t keep you safe little beanie. I will always love you.
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