Hard time letting go of the “dream”

I had a virtual happy hour with my coworkers. I was the only one drinking something non-alcoholic. Not because I’m pregnant or a non-drinker, but because as an exhausted single mom I had to pick up my kid at the end of the short get together. The only time my coworker had to hold her 4 month old was while her husband, who has my dream job that I lost due to my abusive ex literally he’s at my school site on my on team in the room next to my old room, made her a drink. She didn’t have to leave when her baby cried. She was free to enjoy herself. I’ve dipped my toes in the dating world and it’s a hard no thank you. But I worked so hard in my life that’s it’s hard to not feel entitled to something easier. I have parents who are quick to remind me that I knew my Ex was an ass and I chose to have my son vs the alternative knowing I’d end up a single mom but no mantra or meditation or whatever makes it easier. And at least before I had support but my parents And brother are high risk so now I have no support except that I get an hour or two a day where I don’t work and he’s at daycare. Just venting really.

Honestly, I so would. I really believe in that air mask idea where you have to take care of yourself to be strong enough to take care of your children. But I literally don't have a choice now thanks to covid. I just have to make it to Thanksgiving break. I usually get the full week off from work, and his daycare usually only closes on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So that'll be two days to recharge. And then winter break, I'll be off two weeks and they usually only close about four days. I keep trying to talk to my mom, and all I get is well parenting is hard or you're a single mom, what did you expect. But my son is back at daycare so I can work so nobody is exactly lining up to babysit and help out because we have so many contacts. Before, my mom would take a dig but then she'd help anyway.

And honestly, if he was a typically developing three year old.. I don't care. I'd go somewhere. Take him and just teach from a hotel in Hawaii or go camping or do a reservation for the zoo/aquarium. I can't even take him to a pumpkin patch because he is so clearly over 2, but developmentally he's 18m/24m. Toss in the autism and sensory processing, and I can't get the kid to wear a mask. But taking him anywhere is a 2-3 person job pre-covid.

Then toss in these wildfires, and I am so grateful I'm not in an evacuation or warning zone, but the ani means he can't go outside at school or at home. cdhzkf gaywjl gyasujv gruywsfgcashkjbf

Then toss in the trauma based behavior.

Sorry. I'm clearly still ranting.

Got worse. Just ate six stress cupcakes.

long story short, I sabotaged a lot of healthy guys. One guy, my best friend from high school, finally came back around. He was into open and I was into monogamy, but we always stayed friends. He asked me to date him, but I just got out of a bad relationship and had just lost my first bean. So I told him no. Couple more weeks of therapy and my therapist telling me stop pushing him away and so I tell him I would like to try now. And then he was like well I really thought long and hard about what you said the first time i asked so now I don’t think we should date. Then a couple weeks later he posts that his previously open relationship was going exclusive and she was moving in with him. And yeah she’s more compatible with him and we never would have worked anyway but like then he proposed to her in Italy and they announced today they’re having a baby and it’s just frustrating. I’m here drowning in debt because my ex won’t pay child support and the courts are backed up months and I’m banned from my family’s because of covid so I’m just doing everything truly alone. I’m exhausted and pmsing.

and then my friend calls me to make sure I’m ok and goes on about how she totally gets it using her CURRENT bf as an example. The guy she just sleptover with last night and is having holidays with his family and talking about moving in together this summer. Like no your situation is nothing like mine and way to rub salt in the wounds even I think her bf is an idiot and I’d rather be single than have a partner like that srbjlhdegvg

Thanks for letting me vent. People ask me how I deal with everything. I vent on bnb. I have a great life. I really do. But it’s just not how I envisioned it. And Covid isolation isn’t helping. I just don’t want to settle for the sake of having someone, but I’m not really keen on being single for the rest of my life. I have two coworkers who are (one just never found the right person and the other also left an abusive man and has an autistic son like me) so while I truly think I have a lot to offer someone A- I’m still emotionally a cluster * and B- there are good women out there who just end up alone. I had a feeling she was pregnant, and they really are such good people and they do deserve to go on and enjoy this journey but sigh.

I’m definitely opposite of looking lol. I refuse to settle again and be with someone for the sake of someone. How I got in this mess to begin with lol. I can finally watch rom coms again, but it’s annoying because they act like at this age or life situation the dating world is your oyster when it’s scary out there! I don’t know if it’s just the invention of these “dating” apps or that the guys with morality tend to be married by now but yikes. I don’t have my drive back after a decade of abuse, so that’s fine. At 3 years and counting. But idk days like today when I’m sick and miserable and Covid means I can’t call grandma for reinforcements lol it’d be nice to have someone to help